lolabobs: (angels)
[personal profile] lolabobs
Work tomorrow means high anxiety tonight.


I am going to phone my doctor tomorrow and try and get an appointment. Not sure for what, he can't make work bearable again. A friend texted me earlier and said she wanted me "enjoying life" again - I laughingly replied that he was a doctor not a miracle worker. But I don't know. Perhaps I need to consider medication because I'm not doing so well on my own.

I don't want that though, it feels ... please note that I know this is rubbish, I encourage both my clients and friends to seek medicinal support when it is needed and think none the less of them, I fully, fully understand that such things need outside help. But. I've been there. I was so ill for so long and I got better. I got better, and even the thought of needing help again, feels like failure. like going backwards. And I don't know why because I genuinely don't judge other people, truly truly I don't.

And it's all abstract at this point anyway, but I'm not coping. I'm crying at *everything*, not sleeping and feel like shite every single day. And it isn't all just work, although that isn't helping. I miss my Dad so much, still and know that that isn't going to go away- and know that, of course, I will lose mum too, one day and I don't know how I'll cope with that. And. I don't know.

Oh dear. This wasn't meant to be a list of woes.

I have friends that love me and.

Maybe no ands, but maybe that should be enough.

Gragh. I'm going to go to bed again, sleep can only be good right? bed and a book and I shall wake rested and revivified and raring to go.

Instead I went and listened to youtube and wierd songs and vids. Going to bed now though.
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October 2013

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