lolabobs: (angels)
Rufus is king of the castle and is sitting, solidly ensconced, but Bruce is fascinated and keeps going to peer in the various little portholes or poking his head recklessly into the tunnel entrance.

It'll end in tears.
lolabobs: (Default)
Yesterday my car flashed at me. A pretty little red light, intermittently on the dash.

I have been well trained; returning home after an hour long drive and innocently asking what does [the handbrake] light mean and seeing your father melt into a despairing heap on the chair will teach you not to ignore the little red lights.

So I was a big brave girl. I went to the garage. I admitted my ignorance and I asked them to look at the little red light and make it go away.

I left the car in the garage and cried all the way to work. I don't want to be a big brave girl. I don't want to deal with things like this, I want to call my Daddy and have him do it. I want to be puttered at for not checking my oil, shown what to do and be told cautionary tales of woe.

Instead, an hour or two later the Kwik Fit man called and told me how I nearly killed my car with oil starvation. How my car with a 3litre oil capacity had taken 2.5litres when they refilled it. How a few miles more and the engine would have gone kersplat.

Actually, he was lovely. He didn't mock me or scold, just explained and gave me advice. He didn't even charge me for the oil they put in or the time they took to check it out and sort it.

Ups and downs.
lolabobs: (Default)
I got my appointment today for the hospital about the lump in my breast - which is astonishingly quick seeing as I only went to the doc on Friday. The appointment is for the 3rd July, which is also very quick. Part of me is pleased that this is so soon and I can get it looked into - the rest of me is thinking, this is the UK, hospital appts take forever, why is it so quick...

And so, I have another hospital apt, which will require time from work - today I found out I have to have a sickness review meeting with HR - they were going to ambush me with it tomorrow at 10am, but I found out and it has been postponed for a few days. I'm really cross that they set me up in that way. But I'm also really peeved that they have decided it is necessary. Supposedly we work on a rolling 12 month period, with the expectation that 6 sick absences (try saying that quickly!) triggers a review. I have had 4 absences, 2 for issues linked to my acid/ulcer, 1 the endoscopy from Thursday, again linked to the acid and the time I had off following Dad's loss. I'm so angry and it feels very unfair. I shall find out what they have to say when it happens I suppose, but I hope to make it clear how I feel about them springing it on me, with no formal notification.

I say hope, because I went to talk to the boss, when I found out about the meeting today and ended up in tears because everything is getting too much for me at the moment. So annoying when that happens.

The solicitor came about Mum's will this morning though (more time out of the office, flexi not sick though), that's happening and underway now, so I suppose that's something ticked off.

I haven't told Mum about the HR thing, or the boob thing. I don't want to stress her out - or to have to deal with her stress. I'm freaking about the health possibilities, not even so much because of omg!Health Possibilities, but because of - well, I'm Mum's carer, I can't be ill. And who would drive me to the appointments etc and how and where and etc etc etc - although most of the time I dive into The Nile, because I don't want to cross those bridges unless I have to.

It's all just... y'know. Too fucking much to do, not enough time and no bloody energy.
lolabobs: (cry steve)
Well, most people I would imagine, but at least I've been educated a little this week!

~~~

What else has happened this week?

I won the hypocrisy award at work - talking to offenders variously about a) not staying in a job that makes you miserable if you could do things to change it b) expressing the way you feel c) not burying your head in the sand about financial issues or problems and d) inappropriate coping strategies.

But what the hey, I haven't sexually abused anyone, so I still win.

~~~

Why is it winter in June in Lowestoft?

Phew.

Jun. 9th, 2011 09:38 pm
lolabobs: (squee)
Mum's latest lump is nothing to worry about, tests and scans have been declared clear, cystular not cancerous.

YAY!
lolabobs: (Default)
So, I kind of should be at work in 5 minutes, although I am on flexi so there'll be no consequences if I don't get there. But I'm sat here, having been sat here for the last hour. I haven't showered or sorted anything, I don't even know what clothes are clean/ironed and I don't wanna go. Can find no motivation. I just want to sit here, except I don't. I don't wanna do anything. Go back to bed maybe, maybe not. I'm just full of negativity and meh and ARGH. I do know I don't wantt o go to work though - and part of that is 'cos I've got a crappy day ahead of me - but I didn't want to go yesterday and that wasn't a crappy day ahead at all.

I hate these episodes. I'm always fearful that *this time* they won't go away and I'll be stuck here again.
lolabobs: (Default)
So I survived my two weeks of Foundation Block. It's strange, the middle point of it I was very much disliking it, by the end... much happier with what I was doing, familiarity and increasing confidence I guess, I'm still not sure if I like it though. One thing I took as a good sign... you work with a co tutor and take it in turns to lead exercises, all planned out prior to session, and although you're not silent when your co facilitator is leading, you very much limit your input... except my co tutor didn't, persistantly interupting and involving herself. At the very beginning of the fortnight I was allowing this to crush me, thinking things like "Oh I must be doing such a crap job she needs to step in" etc etc, but as time drew on I found myself getting more and more annoyed by it; she'd pre empt points I was about to make or take the group in different directions. Why is this good? Because it *did* irritate me so, because that means my confidence in myself has improved, I'm thinkig "ffs back off and let me do it" instead of self doubt! (ha! Little Miss Silver Lining!). Anyway, I won't be working with that tutor anymore now, starting the victim empathy block with a different tutor... new nerves about that of course, but I'm not nearly as anxious now as I was.

The two weeks was exhausting though, 12.5hour days, no break, working through lunch and constantly on thr go. All the extra travel. I didn't cope brilliantly with it, practical issues managed well, although no housework for the fortnight and even mnimal internet. Bizarre dreams and broken nights and clumsiness increased exponentially; tiredness, stress and fatigue!

But I have two weeks off now and a trip to Scotland to look forward to!

Anita: her op went well and they sent her home *the next day!!!*. She is awaiting test results.
Mum: awaiting test results for the camera investigations she had, but has been told she needs her ovaries removed asap, and is awaiting a date for that.
Me: blood tests are fine, still waiting for ecg after their ridiculous rescheduling cock up.

How are you?
lolabobs: (Default)
Seriously - I never realised how intrinsic a part of my life they'd become. Every single purse or jacket I pick up has tampons in the pockets. There are pads and plugs in drawers and cupboards, corners and cabinets. Everywhere.

I'm also not really sure what to do with them, it's easier somehow to offer someone a bag of unwanted books. And let's not even mention teh moon cup (used ofr 3 whole months before I gave up!)

Mixed in with the growing realisation that I need never buy another plug again, is a befuddled tetchiness around the concept of the children I always thought I'd never have anyway. At times (when my still present PMT is at it's worst) there's almost a sense of "How dare they?" whenever someone even mentions another having children. (In my dream last night I dreamt I was 5 again, visiting with my Mum and Nanny. There was a small baby there (Who was TALKING - it was literally 3 weeks old and was conversing lucidly with my mother - creepiest thing EVER) - and my Nanny made some traditionally broody comment about not having a baby in her arms and my 5 year old dream self stropped at her to "get over it, I never would now") It's a tad confusing.

~~~

I moved piles of books today (sensibly and in small heaps!) and realised that the ones on my windowsill had actually formed quite a helpful 'curtain' and that with them gone my neighbours had a better view than they should. Maybe some books will revert to the sill...

Went out with the folks in teh afternoon, ice cream at the seaside and charity shopping for more books.

~~

Birthday greetings to Marion nd Audrey x x x x
lolabobs: (sh - morose)
I buried my head in the sand a bit and hoped the drama wouldn't steal the things I loved away from me. I joined [profile] fandom_counts of course, but that's a bit petty on the face of things. (eta members:30417!)

Work was... Well, it's Friday tomorrow. I'm extremely pleased about that. Today was a bit crappy really.

Or actually I think it was me, not work. I've just been a bit bleh today. Tense and buzzy, full up to my fingers and fizzing and.

Bah.
lolabobs: (girl)
So -I went to Court. Our prosecutor did not arrive, we had a replacement who talked to me as if I were three day old chewing gum, with an intellect to match. He eventually negotiated a plea, which meant 99% chance I wouldn't have to give evidence, (Not a plea bargain - just persuaded him that he was going to custody, best not to antagonise the bench by forcing a trial beforehand - my bit was only a breach hearing) but he refused to allow me to leave the Court until he said so. Hour and a half later he drifted by the office and 'remembered' me...

I had to have 'a chat' with my boss because I have had three separate periods of sick leave in the last 12 months. These absences consisted of the month I was signed off with bronchitis, and two separate migraines. For this I had to be talked to about stress management and how the company can 'help me'. The only bearable thing about this is my boss clearly thought it was a crock.

My book came from Play. - I opened it to find some Jaqueline Wilson child's book and not the new Dalziel & Pascoe! Now I have to do the whole sending back and reordering fiasco. Plus some child in Devon has my book and is probably quite disappointed.

[livejournal.com profile] kimberlyfdrs episode review prompted me to go watch the 'fight' sections of Playboy Island. I had forgotton how incredibly tight those shorts were. Especially Hutch's (I've a feeling that first time around I didn't take my eyes off Starsky's behind. Today I was a little fixated on the explicit nature of Hutch's Crotchal arena!). I went a little squiffy at the thumb sucking too.

Then I watched the next episode in prep for the next review!

I've turned against most of my icons :(
lolabobs: (angel)
Thanks [livejournal.com profile] lauramcewan for my 'nother Sunshine song. It's really grown on me. Sunshine songs definitely for the win (except for the crying).
---

Lj is being completely rubbish tonight

---

My 'new' cat came and sat on my lap today! Aw. He has the darkest lines around his lips and eyes, he looks as if he is wearing make up. Emo!goth!cat. Aw. So cute.

---

G brought me in a cookie today - I am very glad that he has a girlfriend who does much homecooking. It was oaty and honey-y and buttery.

---

I received a letter from an offender today. As I read it I stopped and really laughed, his statement was such hogwash/contradiction/about face to *all* his previous comments over the last 7 months, and was clearly written to impress a parole board - I resumed reading to see the next line: "Now stop laughing, I mean it" - fantastic.

---

I've had a strange feeling all day - that something important has happened, but I can't remember what it is. Hmm.

---

Have been puttering about things on list, but don't have the energy to join in - worst type of member...

---

I've been craving homemade toad in the hole, but had baked potato instead. :(

---

Ordered new Dalziel & Pascoe book - hadn't realised it was due for release yet - thanks [personal profile] elfinessy

---
lolabobs: (Default)
I have been so up and down today. Incredibly low this morning. Felt kinda helpless, which I don't really understand. Definitely just going through the motions at work (I didn't actually see anyone, just shuffled paper). The only thing I enjoyed was gate-keeping reports. I was a bit clumsy too, which is crap. However G brought me in a slice of his birthday cake so that was cool. Home made carrot cake.



Mum came round and did my washing up - that was good. Oh and I had pancakes which were lovely (told my friend - she sent me numerous texts reminding me how unhealthy and fattening they were. I know this.)




Scrubs was on - the episode where Carla and Turk are having marital probs. One tiny section - Carla goes to visit her mother's grave. Low key. Not a big dramatic moment - but I started crying - and I mean proper sobby type crying, not just pretty watery eyes. Odd. Bloody hormones. I never used to do PMT like this - not for years. I get bad pains, and am grumpy on the first cple of days related to the pain, but these last two months I have been crap beforehand. Bah




However - I have gotten some fabulous feedback for my fic - so I was beaming when I came home from work! Wasn't sure whether to post even (PMT insecurity plus unbeta'd) but went for it this morning - glad I did now. I know FB isn't the be all and end all, but it doesn't hurt!
Will respond individually tomorrow.

this is the picture I was gazing at when I wrote it! )



The new girl at work seems to have decided I am great. (Which is an entirely logical conclusion.) Her discovery of this however means that she keeps coming in to my office to talk to me. Regular visitors to my brain will know that I am not overtly sociable... She 'popped in' 8 times today! 8. I guess I am too helpful. I caught her cheating though! She was supposed to write a paper without accessing my report to do so - but she cheated and didn't realise the computer would tell me. Tee hee.




That's it!
lolabobs: (dom cheeky)
Stress Relieving fun with bubble wrap!




Well today was quite very manky. There were crappy work things, but the worstest of all was that G was not in the office, so other people seemed to think this meant they were allowed in. And they sat there ALL morning. And talked. They had meetings - well 1 meeting, and it was only two people, but it was in MY office and I had to be polite and pretend to have social graces and everything. Very much Not On.

I was going to not have wine, but there was the whole today being a bad day thing, so I had some anyway. But it wasn't meant - I went to the fridge to pour a long glass of coke, in a long almost pint glass, it was entirely accidental that I filled it with wine instead, so quite possibly doesn't count.

I had chocolate too.

ooh I had a dream about [profile] ironicdutchess - she was mean. being all uber bitch movie style Glen Close-y, and I couldn't understand it when I woke up, but then I remembered there were words in her post about that, so I think that's where it came from - unless I have psychically tapped in to a hidden trait? I also dreamt that I ran over a blonde toddler and I haven't done that yet, so it probably doesn't mean anything at all. (Cee- you weren't horrible as such, just all shoulder paddy and power crazed!)

I better go!
lolabobs: (cry steve)
Another bleurghy day.
Masses of work to do still, my lunch was foul and I'm lonely! I hate it when G is on leave, it's so quiet in the office... who knew - Lola who needs isolation else she'll go loopy, doesn't like working on her own!

general ennui as well tho, plus a reluctance to go to bed and consequently a reluctance squared to get up in the morning! I recommended someone for prison today though - can't decide if that's a good or a bad thing - he did deserve it, but it's kinda against the ethos. Oh well. Another man shook my hand - and made me blush! What's that about? I'm not the shy retiring type generally?

blurp. better try and force some kind of sleep.

Black & Blue today, and The Groupie. Huggie was very flirty with Starsky in the former. And in the latter there was some nice interaction between the boys.
lolabobs: (Default)
argh - buzzzzzzing and just can't focus. head is full of pressure and fingers feel like full of creatures, buzzing and bzzzzzzzzz and it's just so overwhelming and all I want to do is make little holes so it can drip out and stop with teh buzzing already.
I amclumsy - already twice today, and can't be doing with that, especially not at work, 'cos clumsy is bad, andbesides it doesn't really help, just makes the tensionget more instead of less, like a big big bnit of elastic - and there's an image where somebody smacks and smacks an smacks into thekeyboard until their fingers are naught but bloody stumps, and stillthey keep going. that's me that is ( not my mum and I don't drink milk) but I know what I mean and can this all be down to hormones or teh sun? wtf as they say. and yet. and et. so much to do, very much, and there are case studies too, i'd forgotton those, so that makes it even worse. and when? when do you do them when you have 15 minutes for lunch and stuill have to do all the work and people call and come and see and i take time out to read teh stupid emails theysend over and over and againa and againa and it's not even fpr me, management stuff and trainee stuff and that';s not me. i'm just stu k inteh middle and my fingers are so full of buzzzzz
lolabobs: (Default)
So tired. been such a hectic two weeks, workwise, really long days, or travelling to training events, I have to go to Bury tom and Fri, which means two 11 hour days. My house is, quite frankly, a pigsty. I have had a 'dodgy' stomach for over a week and I'm exhausted.
self pity much?
Car has been in the garage again - I left them a note saying that "car losing approx pint of water every 4/5 days"-bearing in mind, that I have had overheating/waterleak/gasket problems for over a year. To me, this note clearly states that x amount of water is lost over a 5 day period, not that every 5 days there is a sudden gushing water loss. perhaps I'm the stupid one? Either way they found and fixed a small leak, and they did it for free, so i cant really complain.
I spilt water in my bag today (lid came off the bottle) unfortunatley I was also carrying tampons in my bag, so had sudden erupting/growths/look how absorbent going on in my bag. ug.
I am so tired my eyes have that empty. hollow feeling. As if they have been plucked out and all that remains is two empty sockets, which cold air is gently blowing across the voids. I had to stop myself punching the door - stupid stupid stupid work crap, people who just make me soooooo riled and normally I just 'laff' and g and I sit and bitch about them and it's enough to know that he is irritated too.. today I had to go for a walk to stop myself door smacking. so trivial and long winde dto explain.

and other g, he is not doing his job properly, and how do you tell someone, 'cos its not our place to check up on him, and there's no reason other than us being aware that he is falling down on things. But we have no legitimate reason to be checking up on him. and there's the bit that says why should he get away with it, the bit that says its dangerous to let him get away with it, and the other bit that says, you don't want him to get in trouble. oh i don't know.

i think i will go and try and be in bed before 1 am (this inability to do so contributes to my miserable tiredness) but so does not sleeping when i get there, so its not all my fault!

oh and it's Spring! and there were fields full of tiny baby lambs, there were twins and little black sheep and also, there were bunnies, and it was quite lovely.
lolabobs: (sassoon)
yesterday i had training. It was about mental health and we made a very clever inside out dragon. it was mostly very good.
(what wasn't good was the sweeping generalisations that the mental health professional deemed it necessary to make, and I know that he would have been quoting 'general' patterns etc, but even so, when he is professing to train people he should at least concede that he is talking in patterns rather than exact definitions. And I know it is because of personal investment, but when he states that: those who (did/do) self harm are: female/chaotic/victims of sexual abuse/angry/with poor communication skills, I find it so frustrating! (actually, I was gonna write that it makes me angry, but I can't say anything because to challenge would lead to people suspecting..., so perhaps he has a point after all!!!)

Hmm

Today somebody nearly killed me. This might sound overly dramatic, and in fact it probably is. I was overtaking in teh fast lane at 70mph, when the little Ka in the inside lane decided to pull out. I was in his blindspot when he did so, which gives an idea of how close we were. our windows were practically parallel and i got a close up of his utterly horror stricken face. I screeched on my brakes and was fortunate enough to have been at a point where we were approaching an exit, so I flung my car into the third lane/slip road, and he veered back into his lane. I managed to avoid the central reservation barrier things and returned to my lane laughing hysterically. Which is a natural reaction to the adrenalin/shockyness, but I think confused the man who tried to kill me! am quite glad I'm not dead.

I would quite like a glass of wine..
lolabobs: (Default)
Hmm..

Things that have occurred this week:

I have melted my hoover - 8inch hole in the hose because I left it too near the fire. Can't afford a nw one at the minute, but can't actually seem to care. Least I didn't burn the house down.
(Did I mention that my neighbour but 1 had a bonfire in his back garden in the middle of the night?) odd.

Overheard in chippy: tail end of a conversation about the government and sleaze. 60yr woman ended with "what we need is another Hitler to get rid of some of the crap that's in this country" - her fellow conversationee made some non descript noise, whereupon Hitler's fan conceded that "Trouble is, he went a little too far"

Interview with dangerous man - lasted 3hours. He wasn't terribly frightening, but every so often there was a look, he kind of went 'unfocussed' and I became very aware that I was there alone. He blocked my exit very early on, in the way he was sitting, and every half hour or so, reached into his sock/shoe/trouser leg area.. ie like reaching for the knives he is known to carry... Was a very strange experience.

More dreams about colleague, whispering together, in moment of near peril, hidden and dark and so close that as we whispered our lips were almost touching. No kissing, no acknowledgement of this. Just UST I suppose. Very disconcerting, when it doesn't reflect the real life situation.

Watched: Top gear by accident - RH in a fast car getting so excited that 'the hairs on his body were standing up' was oddly sweet.
Watched: Dalziel & Pascoe - Andy losing it - punching his hand, was affecting. And the last exchange between he and Peter was lovely (newspaper review today said that 'Andy and Peter need to sort their relationship out' ending that they needed a 'good fist fight' to clear the air. Not what I was thinking!)
Watched: Neighbours. Alex is no more, The Timmins' are free, and I am slowly regrowing my schoolgirl crush on Dr Karl
Watched: Billy Elliot again - two bits: the Town called Malice setpeice, and the Father crossing the picket line. I love.
Watched: Raspberry Reich.. Didn't like it. Perhaps I'm too conventional. How disappointing.

Been very very low, crappy, hurty and poo. No reason, and therefore not allowing myself to fully recognise it, hence my juvenile descriptives. Have damaged however, which diminishes me. But will dismiss that too and say yah boo sucks. To whom I have no idea.

Have bought The persuaders #2 ie eps 12 - 24. Hurrah.

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