lolabobs: (angels)
I'm feeling isolated from my friends, feeling ousted and scared. The trigger for this is a silly thing, linked to something that always happens whenever F is back in town and therefore I know it should be ignored, but today it's getting to me - and in the classic cycle of negative thinking,I'm sitting here telling myself bad things about myself and the way my life is and -

normally I accept it, but sometimes the changes since we lost Dad, my new role as carer/manager of all things and the fact that it means all I ever do is work and visit my Mum, and am a kin dof non person, boring and with nothing to contribute really gets to me.

And it's

Oh I don't know. It's because he's back and when he's back I lose his sister and it all gets scary and sad and I'm going to go to bed instead of feeling sorry for myself.

Things

May. 22nd, 2012 10:53 pm
lolabobs: (Default)
I don't know how to arrange these in thoughts or orders, and I could make separate posts, but I don't want to. So:

I got newbossed a while ago, and the new boss started last week. She's new in that she hasn't been the boss before, so she's learning. Old Boss who was supposed to be here to teach her the ropes is in hospital instead and so Mega Boss came in today and stood in. Our office is falling to pieces a little bit, lots of people are off sick with stress and trauma and things aren't getting done and targets are being missed and it's all a mess. So I came in today to find out that a report hadn't been written and could you do something that pretends to be a report now please in order to save the judge having a hissy fit and putting us in the paper. I did it - and New Boss thanked me *twice* and made a note on the record that I'd done it. Old Boss didn't know what 'thank you' was.

Then Mega Boss spent time apologising to me for other work issues!

Old Boss must be spinning in his hospital bed.

***************

BFF P was told yesterday that she's going to lose her job (or 80% of it) yesterday. It's a long long story and she has been shafted good and proper - but she is devastated. She has a mortgage and has just moved into her home after over a year of turning it from a shell to a beautiful home - now she's facing a future of £70 a week and may have to lose the house. She's in total shock and has no idea what she can do. Her job is very specific and isn't something she can just go and find a new position for - and she's lost. I feel sick every time I think of her situation and I can't help her and it's horrible.

*****************

Other friend went for a job interview yesterday and, although she scored all the points for the post, someone else scored higher and now she has to watch the person who "doesn't really want the job, but it'll be a change" take the position she's desperate for, and continue to work along side her in an admin role. That's crap too.

*******************

Other friend however, is loved up in the extreme and as the relationship is still secret from most people, spends his days writing "she loves me" or "We went for a walk" on post it notes and holding them up for me to read across the desk. Which is equally as tiring as it is sweet.

*******************

Everything I was supposed to do this week - a meal out, a prison visit to Kent, a birthday gathering - has been cancelled. Instead though I had a different meal out, a different birthday visit and spent yesterday evening with my (lost job) friend. Tomorrow I have to go to my brother's and I just want to go to bed and stay there.

*******************

I went to look at my Mum's neighbour's house today and ... well I don't know. It's nice, but I don't like the decor, but it's airy and next to mum, but it has an electric cooker but it has an en suite bathroom, but I'd have to buy a fridge freezer but it has a patio but they're taking the summer house but it has a huge bedroom but it only has two but it has an open fireplace but it's brick.
And my house is nice. And I don't know what to do and whether I can afford it anyway or whether I can afford teh move etc if I can afford the house and it's all very alarming.

I have a man coming to the house to tell me how much it should cost on Friday and then I can panic about the decisions I would have to make then. Then. then.

******************

I'm tired.
*******************

F is at Chelsea flower show. Have I mentioned that? He and his business partner designed a garden and got into Chelsea and they won a silver medal today. I sent him a text congratulating him and received a :( in response. When I queried this, his only answer was "I wanted a gold"

********************

I still very much like White Collar and I shall go and watch an episode now to calm my mind.
lolabobs: (Default)
It's my LJ anniversary! Happy one year to me! Eeh I'm reet glad I found it (Thanks [personal profile] elfinessy who lured me here with her fabulous fics - and has kept 'em coming!) and not quite sure I would manage well without it now (can we spell unhealthy, children?).

Erm, 'spose that would be the cue for some kind of omg review of the year, but I have enough of them at New year, so aren't gonna delve into that now. Besides I have just spent 128minutes(!) on the 'phone to my friend who lives in Rome and am exhausted! - amongst the conversational subjects were; his dubious sex life (He pretends to be a bisexual married french man, rather than a 'married' gay man to pull at the local dogging spot); time spent trying to persuade me to go over for a holiday; him wondering if it's patronising to ask the local butcher and his wife over for dinner; and a big debate as to the validity (or not) of astrology and star signs. (This became quite heated in an academic argument stylee and we had to agree to disagree in the end!)

I awoke this morning to the realisation that I'd just had my last lie-in for a fortnight, as work rears it's ugly head tomorrow, and next weekend I have a family gathering in Hampshire, one that is already giving me cold sweats. Ug.

Mind you F tonight (the Rome guy) was bemoaning 'our lives', and how, had our 14 year old selves viewed our lives now, they would have been disgusted at 'our lack of achievement'. And I know it's a classic double negative technique, but I felt quite indignant hearing this dismissal of my life. I may not have achieved those things I expected (or that were expected of me). So I am single, I don't have the partner or the babies, I haven't written the novel and parts of my life have been downright failures (Uni #1 anyone?!), but I did feel a little insulted - if nothing else I have survived! (And yes, melodrama time, but there were times when I wasn't so sure about that). I don't know. Every so often I get the biological clock thing ticking, but not loudly enough for me to compromise (yet anyway!). Pah, In general terms I think I am doing quite well, I get up everyday, I deal (badly sometimes) with the things that need dealing with. So - Yah Boo Sucks F !

My last day of leisure then, was spent doing some boring householdy things intermingled with watching The Shield - Ooh It stays exciting, even tho I loathe the new captain. The Sentinel (Ha!HA! [personal profile] jekesta yes! It is rubbish! - It is cheese squared, added with wooden acting (especially Simon the captain) and the people are nothing like I imagined - But I have seen 4 eps already, and it is just .. wheeeeee! there was dangling from helicopters, and propping up dead bodies in wheel chairs, I am LOVING it ( but there are no outtakes on my dvds boo!). I have also gone back to Xander/Giles fics which is good. Very mellow last day.

Right. This is far too long.. Will stop now.
lolabobs: (dom tea)
Well I think there are too many exclamation points on my keyboard, I seem to be using far too many. I may try and pretend they don't exist at all for a little while.

I am supposed to be cleaning etc - but i am so disorganised, I have a trillion different things that need doing, and just keep randomly starting them without finishing. I have a half stripped bed, half a oile of laundry put away, I need to hang some pictures, need to hoover and have a pile of bags to take out to the bins.. and then I remembered I needed to check ebay, and now i'm on here an getting further sidetracked. plus. it will be lunch time soon. argh.

Brokeback has come to our small town at last ( there would be an exclamation point here if they existed). I obviously wanna go see it, but have no friends who would go see it with me ( one expressed vague interest, I called her to maybe arrange it and the only answer I got was 'dunno') So now I have to be brave enough to go alone - which I have limited qualms about when in the city, but become less brave about when facing the thought of our small lil cinema...

(My friend and his partner went to see it a while ago - friend quite liked it, but wanted more sex, his partner had a major reaction to it and sunk into a depression and ended up calling his therapist to talk about the issues it raised...)

Right.. must do some work..

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