lolabobs: (angels)
And for all but two days of it, I've been lain on my sofa feeling sorry for myself. Which in itself is unpleasant, but it limits the inspiration to say something more interesting than "I've been flaked out on the sofa for 5 days feeling sorry for myself."

Today, though, I made an attempt to sort out my kindle fic - the kindle itself is sorted into fandom, but I've kind of chucked everything I download (I'm talking about fanfic here, not novels) into a kindle folder on my pc, and so that contains everything, higgledy piggledy, and includes all the ones that I've gotten halfway through then deleted in disgust, or boredom or frustration, and I really need it sort it all out. I've started at least.

My kindle content is, well, I bought a slightly less than official set of discs containing 9000 books, so, my kindle consists of the Potters, Pratchett, Reacher and a few other 'comfort' reads. Plus for some reason 19 Dresden books, when I haven't read any of those and can never bring myself to start. Someone must have said they're good for me to click on them when I saw them! Anyway. Those aside, the rest is fanfic. Which is nice, 'cos it means I'm never far away from some porny hurt comfort. But I'm not fully savvy on converting files, so if it isn't on AO3 in a mobi file, I can't read it.

Anyway. I started listing and foldering and sorting things out. And then I got distracted by reading and that's as far as I got. However, as I still find moving further than the bathroom and back slightly impossible, I anticipate I'll get time to sort further tomorrow.

My Mum has been a sweetheart though. She's spent Friday and Saturday here with me, feeding cats on demand, replenishing my hotwater bottle (pretty much on demand) and just mothering me to within an inch of my life. :)
lolabobs: (angels)
I've got to go back to work tomorrow. Which is depressing and distressing in equal measures. I am trying to not think about it, which isn't the best of ploys. I shall be going to bed imminently not sure whether that's a preparatory or an avoidance technique.

But! I've had a week off and it has been good and I have been busy -I have sewn (although not finished anything yet, as I got distracted), I have painted my bathroom, I have eaten out almost every day. I have seen friends and I have taken Mother shopping, I have seen friends, I have read fic, I have revamped my garden. (My garden is tiny, and "revamping" was really only removing a winter's worth of cat poo, stripping the bark away, replacing it with compost, weeding, pruning and planting out 72 Lobelia (I bought trays of plants, they were on offer, 3 for 2, I never looked at how many were in the trays, and now I have 72 Lobelia) I also have 3 periwinkle in pots. All of that took just long enough for me to have aching limbs and one shoulder and half my back burnt to buggery, whilst the rest remains resolutely lily white.) I lost track of my brackets there.

I also cleared out my clothes - wardrobes and chest of drawers, after opening a drawer I rarely use and finding a stack full of clothes I didn't remember owning. It sounds as if I have oodles of gear, but I'm just a rut dresser, wearing the same 7/8 outfits on a cycle. So, today I tried on, rejected unworn clobber (and found some stuff that I didn't know I liked - it's almost like shopping!

And I've been watching season 1 H50 and remembering when it was all good and every episode didn't make me cross.

The highlight for me has been the last two days though, I put my foot down (with myself as much as anyone else) and vowed that I wasn't going to leave the house. I can't remember the last time I did that (I can, it was before we lost Dad), since then I've been to Mum everyday, or on the days I haven't, it's been because I've been somewhere else and couldn't make it. These past two days are I think the first where I've just been here, doing what I want, with no time table. I haven't been idle, it's these two days that have seen me gardening and wardrobe sorting, but I've done it at my own pace. I haven't even gotten dressed today (or I've gotten dressed a hundred times, if you count trying on all my clothes!) and it's just been mellow. (Even if I've eaten cream crackers for all three meals, because I have no other food in the house!)


Work tomorrow. Bed now.
lolabobs: (angels)
A proper good day.

Work, well, work was work, but I have begun to find my mojo again and remember what it is I like about the job, so that in itself is a win. It's still impossible to do it, because of the workloads, but I'm remembering why I enjoy it instead of feeling the money is the only thing keeping me there.

But good though that is, that isn't why today is a good day.

That is because Mum's latest health scare, which I haven't posted about because it's been too depressing and scary, and writing about it meant making it real, has been descared a little. She's had a recurring water infection, that has been hanging around for around 3 months now. different lots of antibiotics haven't worked. Then she started bleeding when she passed water, then she said she found a lump, then she was talking about nasty discharge and blood when she pooped. Joined with general tiredness and loss of appetite... so we've been scared, and Mum's been depressed with the pain and discomfort and the fear and.

Well, she had blood tests back today that didn't show anything scary, the water infection seems finally to have gone. She has a rectocele (the 'lump') and piles (the bleeding) and is a little anaemic (the tiredness). She still has to have more tests to confirm the water infection has gone and the other symptoms should go with that. It's a huge relief and you can see her feeling better already, with just that terror gone. It means I'll be able to sleep that's for sure!

And then, to top of the day nicely, I've spent the evening in Carluccio's restaurant in Norwich, learning how to make pasta from scratch. It was fab, a small group of us set up in the corner of the restaurant, all with our own work station, gas burner and ingredients - we made fresh egg pasta and created spinach and ricotta ravioli and tortellini and farfalle and tagliatelle. Cooked in a butter and sage sauce with parmesan - it was brilliant - we made it, then cooked and ate it. Such a fun evening, we got to take our (uncooked) leftovers home, pasta, sauce, cheese etc, got a pasta cutter and recipe books to take home and had wine, coffee and dessert thrown in.

It was grand.
lolabobs: (angels)
Had to take Mum to the emergency GP last night - She's okay, UTI tthat will not go away and resulted in bleeding last night and scared her witless, she now has yet more antibiotics and is now *finally* listening to our exhortations to drink more water! but bleeding has tailed off and she is no longer in terrified mode. Oh but I had the oddest reaction to the GP. First of all, I wasn't that worried about Mum, other than her stress, I'd settled in my head that it was the UTI causing the problems, refusing to consider any worse alternatives, so I wasn't in panic mode myself. The GP was a big man, Tall, broad and very overweight - and I just wanted to cuddle him. Constantly suppressing the voice in my head that was saying "He'd be lovely to hug, look at him, HUG HIM" I think obviously his size was part of it and he had a deep growly bear of a voice and he was a little bit disorganised - he was obviously at the clinic as a cover GP only and didn't know where anything was and had to keep calling through to ask for stuff, so that was clearly endearing him to me too. But really!
lolabobs: (angels)

I left my 'phone upstairs while I got ready (shower, breakfast etc) this morning. Emerged from the bathroom to find my slightly hysterical mother letting herself into my house with a key, having woken a friend to get her to drive her round because I hadn't answered her call...

I soothed her and calmed her, and we've since had a chat about panic and maybe more appropriate timescales for panic (ie half hour without a response at 8am isn't cause for alarm.)


In other news we drove to East Harling (50 miles approx) to deliver a car full (literally, boot, footwells, back seats packed solid) of donations to a Cat Rescue centre. ( They do a fantastic job and the sanctuary itself is a little oasis of cattitude. Many of the cats roam free, mingling with the free range chooks and three legged rescue dog and it's lovely. So we save up our declutter and take it there in car loads. Today's donations included all my old vinyl (bye bye Culture Club, Duran Duran, Erasure and Paul Young), as well as a ton of bags, bedding, books and "stuff", Mum's share included bags and bags of clothes and ceramic flowerpots. Oh and over 150 of newspaper dvds!

The declutter continues and since getting home I've already spotted a couple of overlooked books and started the new Cattery pile!
lolabobs: (angels)
We have snow, but not as much as they keep telling us we're going to have. Which, I don't even like snow, but I can't help but feel cheated.

Work has been weird - Monday started by going in and finding out that one of the receptionists had been sacked abruptly late Friday, which was unsettling. It's sad that all the expressions of sympathy were empathic in nature, frather than genuinely upset that the particular person had gone. Sad too that the reactions went from "Gosh, really why?" to "who's covering her work?" very quickly. She was an odd and not overly pleasant person though, so I guess that's been reflected.

Anyway, after that, Tuesday there were men on the roof making ridiculous amounts of noise. Removing some form of structure, which resulted in Wednesday, walking into an office with caved in ceilings, debris and muck and much water everywhere. (Thankfully not my office space). Much dispute has arisen between contractors and management as to the extent and cause of damage. (contractors are positing the theory that it was a coincidental ceiling catastrophe and naught to do with their removing roof tiles and failing to secure any cover...)

Friday saw confirmation that, once again, they are moving staff around, shifting people's desks and locations and general disruption. Have yet to have any real explanation as to why. Of course, we all have so much free time that a few more days wasted packing up and relocating is not going to be a problem. \sarcasm.


On top of that it's been a crappy week, I've been speaking to Debs around the loss of her mother and it's heartbreaking just on a compassionate level, but of course, it's bringing far too much to the fore about Dad - and as a consequence I'm dreaming horribly (or about my late boss*, which is equally disturbing if not emotionally distressing) On a lighter note though, I did dream that my bathroom taps were possessed by an evil spirit so I attempted an exorcism by singing Amazing Grace at them...

I don't think Sam'n'Dean ought to try that anytime soon (although it would be amusing to watch, perhaps less so than the current eps!)

On the tv front - I'm watching; SPN, this week's episode was good, but emotionally bleak. H5O which was, well, rather ridiculous of course, but enjoyable nonetheless. Ripper Street - similarly ridiculous, but managing to seem believable while I watch and I really like it and I have Suits still to watch. Oh and Lewis! I don't like it in two halves and I don't like where it's going but I'm enjoying the journey, and there was a dramatic moment when Hathaway looked sooo young and vulnerable and oh.

And my tummy hurts still and I've been feeling bleak all week, but I bought myself a new duvet cover and I won £5 on a scratchcard and I'm trying t hold on to the bright side.

*did I mention that walking into work a couple of weeks back I clearly and distinctly heard his voice? There was just me in the corridor and two women in the staff room. Strange. He would have found the concept of haunting the place amusing though, so I'm not perturbed.
lolabobs: (Default)
Mother wanted to go to The Range today - not a place full of cowboys unfortunately, a giant out of town store selling everything and then some. Our nearest such shop is an hour and a half away, but I'm on leave, so off we tootled. The place is on a big retail park, next to a Sainsbury's, so we "popped in" there first, for lunch and some milk....

Some time later we emerged, milk in hand, plus bathroom mats, shower mats and clothes and...
(I bought cake.) She looked at me. Tired. We came home.

That's right we made a three hour round trip to go to Sainbury's supermarket!

But this ) happened, so I didn't mind!

lolabobs: (Default)
And they've discharged her from the cancer clinic! Yay!

She has to have mammograms every 18 months, and her medication for another year, but it's one hurdle overcome. A good piece of news for a change :)
lolabobs: (Default)
The weekend started well. Thursday evening I saw my brother, then my Mum, then my friend. Friday I got a swanky new hoover thing and then I went to Norwich, met my friend, had a meal and saw Sister Act (the musical) which was fantastic and very funny). And Saturday I had my haircut, took my Mum out for afternoon tea and my Brother got married (at Gretna).

I got a migraine.
I went to bed and mid way through the night I got night terrors/paralysis. Now I know that academically, night terrors is some sort of physical confusion and things not working as they should do. Academically. And that is how I strive to deal with them. Except - I know that some people view these as ghost activity. This was the first such night terror I've had since losing Dad - so, although I know it's physiological and although I know it's better to break free of them at the earliest opportunity, before the 'visitation and voices', I couldn't. just in case. Needless to say it wasn't, and I just ended up scared *and* disappointed.

So. Then Sunday was spent in a post migraine, residual headache fog.

Until Sunday bedtime, when my possibly an ulcer,possibly something else not really chest pains decided to start - and I spent the night writing in pain, reminding myself that it was nothing to do with my chest and being s***. Normally this whole fiasco lasts a couple of hours at most - last night's endured for 10 hours. Now there isn't a part of me that doesn't ache and I'm tired and weepy.

Not least 'cos Mum came down to look after me - and had to get a taxi to do so. I miss my Daddy so much.
lolabobs: (Default)
My mother and I have a house that we are in love with - we daydream about winning the lottery and buying it and, every so often, drive past and drool at it. I search on line trying to snoop through and I think it was last sold for a bargaintastic half million and we imagine how much we'd have to offer to tempt the owners to sell.

Today, Mother sighed and said she didn't think it was owned by one person, cos the curtain ddn't match in all the rooms. We spent the next half hour arguing about matching curtains! Do your upstairs and downstairs curtains match? (I appreciate this sounds as if I am euphemistically asking you about your private zones, but whilst I won't be offended if you start telling me about your personal grooming, I am actually focussing on drapes here.)

This link may take you to the house: - it's all turretty and lovely.

Houses aside I am spending google time looking at: laptops, stick hoovers, cameras and kindles. I obv don't have the money for all these things, but am looking nonetheless. Simultaneously I am in a big funk of I don't need things, I have too many things. If I move to mother's I shall have to get rid of all the things and if I don't, I'm just gonna die one day and the council will have to come in and clear my things and will throw them away anyway.

Did I mention that I'm still not doing so well?!
lolabobs: (Default)
Been to the doctor today - new medication to try. Trying to see whether I have an ulcer or not. The premise seems to be, I'm not sure what's wrong with you , so take these and when you come back I'll press here and here (yep, where it hurts) and we'll see if you go 'ow' or not.

But I like my doctor, and he's open about that being his approach, so I'm prepared to give it a go.

Plus, I decided to skive off work after the appointment, so have just spent a blessed hour in quiet solitude at home.

I'm struggling a bit with being at Mum's all the time now, not so much struggling with being with her, but with not being alone. We all know Lola is quite antisocial and needs solitude... I only get the 'running around in the morning getting ready for work' bit of the day and from 10pm to bed time. But, Mum's sister is coming to stay tomorrow for a wek, and then Mum is going back with them for another week - is it bad that I'm looking forward to that week? I've got so many things I want to do - even if just sitting somewhere in the blissful peace and quiet of an empty house is one of them*

Watch me miss her like hell and be unable to settle!

*the other is to spend a fortnight without watching Last of the Summer bloody Wine!!!!
lolabobs: (Default)
I've seen neither Bernard or Bruce since yesterday morning. They've both just vanished. I've been out calling them, but nothing. It's awful. It also seems very strange that two should disappear at once. They are the two that my neighbour just left here when she moved, so I've been wondering has she been and kidnapped them, or have they got stuck in her house (the landlord's been in doing work), or then I think has someone caught them to o horrible things to them. I want them to come home.

And I was looking today, and I daren't look over a wall and I knew that My Dad would have done, he would have gone in, peered into people's gardens and all sorts and I want him not to be gone and to be helping me.

And I realised that in a way it's as if I've lost both my parents, 'cos I'm so sad and I want someone to hug me and make me feel better, but I don't have my Daddy and I can't worry Mum with it all, and I don't want to do this anymore. I hate it and I feel so pathetic and just so damned sad.
lolabobs: (Default)
The thrilling events of today. Housework, first here and then there. I decided at the beginning of the week that I would move home this weekend, but it seems to have slipped my mind and suddenly tomorrow is the weekend and it seems ridiculous to even consider it. But I know I have to and I shall sleep at mine from Sunday night - but really, it would be very easy to stay here. And I heard Mum talking and she's nervous for when I go. In reality though, for the immediate future I'll still be here most of the time, just going home to sleep when Mum goes to bed. I can't just suddenly disappear and leave her on her own.

We went to my brother's for tea tonight. I'd forgotten that Pete took Dad's car to his at the weekend so he can handle the sale. I turned the corner into his road and it was parked outside and I just burst into tears. It's stupid, 'cos the car sat outside this house for 7 weeks without upsetting me.

My aunt believes in Spiritulism and believes that she is a spiritualist and can communicate with the dead. I... I have mixed feeings about the whole enterprise, I would LOVE to believe it and I do have a vague woolly idea of a continuation of sorts. But I also strongly believe that there are some cruel, cruel people out there who are very good at reading people and manipulating strong emotions. I don't think my Aunt is one of those, but she does 'do readings' for people and I think she's talking out of her hat. Years ago she advised my Grandfather that his recently departed wife was "on a coach trip eating egg sandwiches". Today she called to speak to my Mother and as Mum was in the shower, ended up talking to me. She talked to me about her beliefs and offered as proof the fact that a) Dad had been to her and shown her my mother surrounded by loving arms and b) she talked to her late husband at the supermarket and asked him if she needed to buy eggs. I tell myself she means well. (And also that the spirit world seems to be fixated with eggs).

Oh, but I was brave today and told my brother that, whilst I appreciated his offer of his sewing machine very much, my friends had clubbed together to contribute to a new one for me and so wouldn't accept it. This is the truth, but I'd managed to get myself in a pickle about telling him and seeming ungrateful. He was fine about it.

I've eaten two cupcakes today.
lolabobs: (Default)
I am due to go back to work Monday - HR requested I call today to confirm this and arrange for my 'sickness review meeting'.

However, two sentences into the call I started crying and could barely talk with the woman who, for some reason, deemed me "not ready to come back just yet" (!)

Instead I have a meeting with her booked for Tuesday afternoon, just to see what's what.


The last couple of days have been bad emotionally, but focussing on the positive, I managed to get out and see my friend for lunch today, which gave me a massive boost, just to be me for a bit. And even better, Mum had her 6 monthly cancer check and that was all okay.


Jun. 9th, 2011 09:38 pm
lolabobs: (squee)
Mum's latest lump is nothing to worry about, tests and scans have been declared clear, cystular not cancerous.

lolabobs: (Default)
My day started out crappy and got worse and looked set to become a manktastic day of rubbishness.

But then:

I got a meeting I had been dreading out of the way with minimal angst.

My car passed its MOT! (I'd been anticipating a couple of hundred squid at least)

My Mum made me pie for tea - and gave me leftovers.

There was cheesecake too.

And then there was Hawaii Five-0 )
lolabobs: (Default)
Lazy weekends are marvellous - although I have done some cleaning... Still a busy week behind and yet another ahead and I think I'm allowed an afternoon of reclining on my sofa, surrounded by cats and reading fic.

I have a family quiz to go to tonight though, so I've been digging around gathering questions for my round and I should be 'revising' for the other rounds... but I imagine a few more fics may distract me.

I finally got to see Paul last week I haven't seen a lot of reaction )

Mother's Day tomorrow - Mum and I shall be lunching somewhere as usual, although Mum is more and more housebound now. She's always said it is her intention to live to 100 and has always 'threatened' us with this whenever we're pretend arguing or teasing; but she's started saying she doesn't want to do this anymore, which is...distressing. Mind you, following a similar announcement this morning, she proceeded to spend the rest of the phonecall gloating about how much she has hoarded and what a dreadful job I'll have sorting out the house when she's gone. I think she's missed the point of Mother's Day bonding!
lolabobs: (squee)
I've been planning my annual leave - Even with every Friday 'off' (ie I work longer hours M-T so I don't go in Fridays), it feels like I haven't had time off for ages - I have always used my leave on an 'emergency/mental health' basis, in that as I don't often go away, I work until things seem too much then book a week off, my new role means I can't do this and I have to negotiate leave and get cover and ask permission. But I have a week off in 3 weeks, and then I have Easter week and the last May Bank Holiday week. All of this is of no interest to you, but it makes things seem more manageable to me!

I also managed to negotiate with my TM and future work colleague a change to the days I'll be working next week. Collegue wanted Mon and Wed, I wanted Tues and Thurs - so now we're doing Mon and Thurs! That way she has her priority child care needs met and I get to keep the quiz night I go to. Yay for flexibility. Although when that starts I'll be back working 'til 9.30 twice a week.
Can't win 'em all, I guess.

In other mundane gripes, I'm finding it impossible to D/L H5-0 and SPN takes the entire day. DOn't know why, my general internet speed seems fine, no problems browsing etc. Hmm. I guess I'll wait for H5-0 on dvd and devote the whole day to SPN.

My cat is now sitting on my arm and blocking the screen, but I'm determined to persevere to post the best news of all - Mum has had another lump in her other boob, doctor didn't like the look of it and sent her for more tests etc. We've been fretting a while. Today she got the all clear. Lumps are cysts and nothing to worry about. She's been scanned, prodded and xrayed and we can relax for a bit longer. YAY!
lolabobs: (Default)
Mum had her appointment with the consultant today - and there was *no* trace of cancer in her ovaries.
lolabobs: (Default)
So I survived my two weeks of Foundation Block. It's strange, the middle point of it I was very much disliking it, by the end... much happier with what I was doing, familiarity and increasing confidence I guess, I'm still not sure if I like it though. One thing I took as a good sign... you work with a co tutor and take it in turns to lead exercises, all planned out prior to session, and although you're not silent when your co facilitator is leading, you very much limit your input... except my co tutor didn't, persistantly interupting and involving herself. At the very beginning of the fortnight I was allowing this to crush me, thinking things like "Oh I must be doing such a crap job she needs to step in" etc etc, but as time drew on I found myself getting more and more annoyed by it; she'd pre empt points I was about to make or take the group in different directions. Why is this good? Because it *did* irritate me so, because that means my confidence in myself has improved, I'm thinkig "ffs back off and let me do it" instead of self doubt! (ha! Little Miss Silver Lining!). Anyway, I won't be working with that tutor anymore now, starting the victim empathy block with a different tutor... new nerves about that of course, but I'm not nearly as anxious now as I was.

The two weeks was exhausting though, 12.5hour days, no break, working through lunch and constantly on thr go. All the extra travel. I didn't cope brilliantly with it, practical issues managed well, although no housework for the fortnight and even mnimal internet. Bizarre dreams and broken nights and clumsiness increased exponentially; tiredness, stress and fatigue!

But I have two weeks off now and a trip to Scotland to look forward to!

Anita: her op went well and they sent her home *the next day!!!*. She is awaiting test results.
Mum: awaiting test results for the camera investigations she had, but has been told she needs her ovaries removed asap, and is awaiting a date for that.
Me: blood tests are fine, still waiting for ecg after their ridiculous rescheduling cock up.

How are you?


lolabobs: (Default)

October 2013

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