lolabobs: (angels)
With the rider that I've actually had a nice day - lazy morning, long lunch with a friend (ie 12.30-5.00 - although we only actually ate a cheese scone in that time!) tea at mother's and then a drive to find today's sunset.


(15.08.13a photo 14and15005_zpsbd12ff09.jpg in case you want to see it!)

1. Text from my friend's mum about them having to have their cat euthanized yesterday. I already knew, but she offered me left over cat treats for my babies and it made me cry.

2. Watching children dancing at a local fun day park - mixed reasons, they were having such fun and it was lovely, but then that made me think how I'd have been too shy to join in as a child, which made me think about how my Dad would have encouraged me, which made me think of my Dad and... It was all of these things, one atop the other.

3. Walking around the supermarket. No rhyme or reason to this one.

4. Taking a photo of the sunset that didn't come out right, I took it, checked it, realised the place wasn't a good vantage point and went back to my car - and started crying!

5. A fanfiction. Not even a good one, but one that made me think and therefore cry.

6. Driving home, after sunsetting. Again, no reason, just tears.

I don't think I'm quite right today.
lolabobs: (angels)
I want to rant about my job and about how my boss has frustrated me almost to the point of crying, but if I do it will push me over the edge and it will be boring in the extreme, so I thought I'd come on and say something positive instead but I can't think of anything, so I'm going to go to bed with some malteasers and a book instead.
lolabobs: (angels)
We have snow, but not as much as they keep telling us we're going to have. Which, I don't even like snow, but I can't help but feel cheated.

Work has been weird - Monday started by going in and finding out that one of the receptionists had been sacked abruptly late Friday, which was unsettling. It's sad that all the expressions of sympathy were empathic in nature, frather than genuinely upset that the particular person had gone. Sad too that the reactions went from "Gosh, really why?" to "who's covering her work?" very quickly. She was an odd and not overly pleasant person though, so I guess that's been reflected.

Anyway, after that, Tuesday there were men on the roof making ridiculous amounts of noise. Removing some form of structure, which resulted in Wednesday, walking into an office with caved in ceilings, debris and muck and much water everywhere. (Thankfully not my office space). Much dispute has arisen between contractors and management as to the extent and cause of damage. (contractors are positing the theory that it was a coincidental ceiling catastrophe and naught to do with their removing roof tiles and failing to secure any cover...)

Friday saw confirmation that, once again, they are moving staff around, shifting people's desks and locations and general disruption. Have yet to have any real explanation as to why. Of course, we all have so much free time that a few more days wasted packing up and relocating is not going to be a problem. \sarcasm.

Anyhoo.

On top of that it's been a crappy week, I've been speaking to Debs around the loss of her mother and it's heartbreaking just on a compassionate level, but of course, it's bringing far too much to the fore about Dad - and as a consequence I'm dreaming horribly (or about my late boss*, which is equally disturbing if not emotionally distressing) On a lighter note though, I did dream that my bathroom taps were possessed by an evil spirit so I attempted an exorcism by singing Amazing Grace at them...

I don't think Sam'n'Dean ought to try that anytime soon (although it would be amusing to watch, perhaps less so than the current eps!)

On the tv front - I'm watching; SPN, this week's episode was good, but emotionally bleak. H5O which was, well, rather ridiculous of course, but enjoyable nonetheless. Ripper Street - similarly ridiculous, but managing to seem believable while I watch and I really like it and I have Suits still to watch. Oh and Lewis! I don't like it in two halves and I don't like where it's going but I'm enjoying the journey, and there was a dramatic moment when Hathaway looked sooo young and vulnerable and oh.

And my tummy hurts still and I've been feeling bleak all week, but I bought myself a new duvet cover and I won £5 on a scratchcard and I'm trying t hold on to the bright side.

*did I mention that walking into work a couple of weeks back I clearly and distinctly heard his voice? There was just me in the corridor and two women in the staff room. Strange. He would have found the concept of haunting the place amusing though, so I'm not perturbed.
lolabobs: (angels)
My lovely friend Debs called me today, to tell me her Mum died at the weekend. She died at home unexpectedly, D was away and sent a friend round to check on her when she had no answer to her calls. Deb had to rush home and fight with the Police to allow her mother to stay in the home until she could get there - eventually they agreed and she got to say here goodbyes in the house.

Absolutely dreadful, her brother is working offshore and can't get back and she's dealing with it alone. She called me to tell me, and to ask for what to do lists. So I told her and talked and listened.

And wept my socks off when we'd finished.

Then I went home and hugged my Mum to smithereens.

Oh, and seeming much more trivial than it did when I first saw the post; my nephew married at the weekend. The eldest of my middle brother's children. The family that don't speak to us. Still felt strange seeing the wedding photos on facebook, the younger two kids are very beautiful (the elder somewhat less so), and they all looked happy and gleeful. (top hat and tails, pimp stick and sneakers!) - and they're there without anyone from either family there (They've disowned all of her family too, we're not alone) and it's saddening - but in an abstract way. We've all moved on (it's been 20 years since any meaningful contact).

Anyhoo.
lolabobs: (angels)
I'm feeling isolated from my friends, feeling ousted and scared. The trigger for this is a silly thing, linked to something that always happens whenever F is back in town and therefore I know it should be ignored, but today it's getting to me - and in the classic cycle of negative thinking,I'm sitting here telling myself bad things about myself and the way my life is and -

normally I accept it, but sometimes the changes since we lost Dad, my new role as carer/manager of all things and the fact that it means all I ever do is work and visit my Mum, and am a kin dof non person, boring and with nothing to contribute really gets to me.

And it's

Oh I don't know. It's because he's back and when he's back I lose his sister and it all gets scary and sad and I'm going to go to bed instead of feeling sorry for myself.
lolabobs: (Default)
I had a flat tyre today - sitting at work, waiting for my late night reporters and anticipating my escape for the day. (First day back at work, every bit as bad as I expected, with the added joy of realising that I have a mahoosive report due in Wed, that I haven't even started yet. I will be working late tomorrow)

Anyway there I sat, wondering what work I could get done in the next 40 minutes - when a colleague popped up to break the news that my tyre was completely flat. Grand.

Thankfully, I remembered that I have *free* recovery as part of my bank account (hence the dubiousness of the word 'free', I pay a fee every month) and joy of joys flat tyres were covered - so I waited an hour or so for the chap to turn up and change my tyre for me. I now have a little bright orange thing on it and I have to try and get the punctured wheel repaired tomorrow. (the repair bit is fine, I have a guarantee on the tyres I bought and they should do it free of charge, I'm not so sure about whether they'll swap the tyres over again for me though. And while *in theory* I know how to change a tyre, I'm not sure how much I'd trust a wheel I fixed on!

Ah well, we'll see!

And it's ridiculous, but I feel... to say 'I dealt with it myself' is ridiculous when you realise that all I did was make a phonecall, but I'm a Daddy's girl through and through and what I would have done is call my Daddy and he'd have come and we'd have changed the tyre together and we'd have gotten wet and we'd have made a mess and niggled each other about how tight to screw things on and struggled with bolts and . So. part of me wants to feel proud that I coped with this ridiculously easy issue on my own, that I didn't panic or get upset and that I knew what to do and managed it.

The rest of me is so sad that I had to.
lolabobs: (Default)
Last Friday was my friend's birthday; she had a mini party and then we all went to a local pub for Karaoke and fun. We usually go to Boogie Nights, a cheesetastic party night at a night club in the next town, but Daddy used to take us, and rather than have me upset, Paula changed her plans and we stuck to Lowestoft. She's marvellous.

We had a really good night, lots and lots of laughter, hugs and just fun. She was merry and at one point she just hugged me, for such a long time - and it felt so safe and so warm - it made me cry, but I'm used to that. It was a really good night.

Whilst there, we bumped into a second or third cousin of mine, coincidentally the mother of one of Paulette's pupils. I haven't seen her in years, but we spoke and she met Paula etc etc - and her mother was there- Dad's cousin, we nodded and spoke very briefly. (as in 'hello'".

So. Mum's away this week, and I'm on cat duty. I checked her answer machine messages to hear a call from my Aunt, commenting that I was seen at the weekend and had "obviously moved on."

And I'm so angry - and guilty and cross and sad. I miss my Daddy so so very much.
lolabobs: (Default)
First of all, Thank you [profile] didihutchimpits, [personal profile] mrs_sweetpeach, [personal profile] kassidy62 and [personal profile] enednoviel for my cute blue dragons, and [personal profile] curiositykate, [personal profile] kassidy62 and [personal profile] hardboiledbaby for my glass hearts - all lovely and very much appreciated.

Second: I have an add on or additional thingie (I can't remember the term) that means that I have a plus sign next to cut tags and can uncut things without going to the page itself...except it's stopped working? Can anyone tell me why? What to do to make it work?

Thirdly: It is surprisingly hard to ask for "A big bag of bird seed" without getting ALL your words muddled.

Fourth: I started sorting my wardrobe today. Deciding to get rid of my thin clothes, because I'm irrefutably fat and if I ever get not fat again I'll just have to buy new clothes. I started off well and have disposed of two big bags (when I say disposed, I mean added to the charity bags. I wasn't not fat for long, they're all practically new). But I had to go out twice today. I only got back the second time about 30 minutes ago. In typing this update I have remembered that I left the job unfinished and have a mountain of clothing still my bed. Urgh. I've a feeling they will get dumped in the back bedroom rather than put away tonight!

I noticed that all the clothes I am getting rid have colour and all my current clothes don't. My wardrobe is going to look very drab when this task is finished. Black on black.

Finally: I've forgotten what this point was going to be.
lolabobs: (Default)
Woke up feeling sad, and tired, and ill. Not the best start and not a strong foundation. Work was, there was nothing that happened as such, but I felt ill and out of place. I dealt with everything, but then I was getting ready to interview and since we've moved offices everything's changed - before we had a report, we were given a file and everything else we needed was saved onto the computer under their name - now, well now there's no tellingwhere anything will be, it seems to depend upon whichever individual processed it, Norfolk people are saved in Suffolk, have teh systems are inaccessible and... anyway, I went into the other room to ask my colleagues for help. I'm wheezing 'cos I'm still ill. I explain my query and someone comments on my lack of voice, next thing I know, I'm crying. And can't stop. I disappear into the loos for a while, wash my face, come out - sit at my desk and find I'm just sitting there crying. Thankfully, one of my colleagues just came over to me, took the file for the imminent report from me and told me to go home.

I drove around for an hour - just crying and driving before I eventually went home.

Home, where I had lunch - and broke my tooth on a bread roll.

So then followed emergency dentistry - which regulars amongst you will know I don't do well. Dentist "AW!"ing at me as I lay there shaking, crying ('cos I hadn't leaked salt water enough today) and making embarassing squeaky noises.

I now have a headache, toothache and screwy sinusses. Today sucked.
lolabobs: (Default)
I've seen neither Bernard or Bruce since yesterday morning. They've both just vanished. I've been out calling them, but nothing. It's awful. It also seems very strange that two should disappear at once. They are the two that my neighbour just left here when she moved, so I've been wondering has she been and kidnapped them, or have they got stuck in her house (the landlord's been in doing work), or then I think has someone caught them to o horrible things to them. I want them to come home.

And I was looking today, and I daren't look over a wall and I knew that My Dad would have done, he would have gone in, peered into people's gardens and all sorts and I want him not to be gone and to be helping me.

And I realised that in a way it's as if I've lost both my parents, 'cos I'm so sad and I want someone to hug me and make me feel better, but I don't have my Daddy and I can't worry Mum with it all, and I don't want to do this anymore. I hate it and I feel so pathetic and just so damned sad.
lolabobs: (Default)
I just told [personal profile] jekesta that I hadn't gotten as far as posting, even though I thought I ought (that rhymes) because otherwise I wouldn't. And now I am. I wasn't lying, but I made my comment out of date very quickly. Or reasonably quickly, depending how long it takes me to write this.

I was ill. On New Year's Eve I started feeling, then being, very very sick. I am blaming a chicken sandwich, though it was preceded (and accompanied) by the same sort of pain that they told me was a heart attack last time. It wasn't. It was, however, horribly unpleasant and I still have no voice X days later. I was going to put a number there but have no idea how many days issit. Anyway. I was in bed by 5pm on NYE and that's that.

I am not at work either. I went to the doctor to get my "you can go to work" certificate signed. This is progress apparantly, the doc has t say you can go back now instead of just saying you can't. Anyway, he didn't. Or did. Depending which bit of that sentence this bit goes with. Either way, I was a snivelling, shaking wreck and he said I wasn't to go to work. So. Which has left me glad and sad in equal measure. 'Cos I kinda think I should and it would proably be good for me. But it makes me feel sick whenever I think about it. But I know that I have passed the 'acceptable/sympathy' time now and people will now think I am swinging the lead/milking it. Not all the people. Not nice people, but HR type people and work people and all those. And I still don't know what to do about the Norwich work and wether I should give that up, which I want to but don't and which I think would be maybe a mistake, but then doing it was a mistake in teh first place and i haven't a clue. Oh and my doctor has referred me to someone. I don't know who. And he gave me sleeping pills to take, which I was wary about taking anyway and then the Evil Daily Mail (mum's paper. Ths is one more layer of crapness is that I see teh Mail every day) says the pills I have are EVIL and for weak people. And gragh. I know to disbelieve the Mail on principal but my brain isn't always good at that.

And my brother and I had a talk and he said that if I had to move in permanently to help Mum in the future, they wouldn't kick me out of teh house when she died. he didn't say it like that. he was very tactful and keen to make sure that I knew he wasn't expecting me to look after her and that they had talked about having her mve in with them ("Except that wouldn't work") and that they would take her cat so mine could move in with me and ....

And he took my Daddy's car away to sell it. And I saw today that the man who runs the auctions me and Dad always go to had a big accident on the 17th of November and is going to be okay but nearly wasn't and I wanted to tell my Daddy and couldn't. And my brther wanted me to stay in to receive a parcel for him tomorrow and I didn't want to, 'cos Thirsday is tehe day Mum goes out and so it is the day I go out and he was fine and got it sent to work instead but I cried and cried and cried.

Oh and he gave me a sewing machine, which he gave me Friday and he had to hunt it out of the back of his cupboard and I hit my head helping him and then he found the instructions too and it's all very kind, but I don't want it, 'cos I want a new one and my friends have clubbed together to gve me brthday money towards a new one and I don't know how to say no.

I was sent cards and ecards and virtual gifts and they were all lovely and they made me smile when I got them and I am really appreciative but I don't know who I've said Thank you to and who I haven't and so I'll say Thank you here and I know it isn't personal but I do mean it.

Oh and I got a cupcake maker for Christmas. I shall make cupcakes tomorrow. My Thursday outness has been cancelled. And I didn't know what to do instead, on my own 'cos who I was going to see I can't. That's why I looked at Fakenham to see if teh auction was on. But anyway it isn't, so I don't know where to go now. So I might make cupcakes instead. And I do have a scarf to knit and cats to fuss, but I did want to escape. Hmm.

I watched Sherlock and wasn't horrified by the pre watershed nudity; although was by the person in the daily mail who called Adler a 'slut'. And I watched H50 and there wasn't any nudity. Are those spoilers? I don't think so. And there's a programme on about Probation officer tonight, but I haven't watched it yet. I hope they don't have feisty probation Officer Anna Friel falling in love with her client.

I should go I think.
lolabobs: (Default)
I'm not coping brilliantly with things at the moment. I am on the surface, jolly, jokey Lola at work and play - but it's hard right now. I'm sleeping appallingly - this last week my dreams have been classic anxiety dreams (Why can't I dream about Steve and Danno every night, huh?) - So I'm lost, can't find my way, find myself in situations with everyone staring at me, or doing things wrong, or falling... all very cliche, classic stuff.

Cut for those who don't need to hear it )So yesterday I cried, I went and bought myself the H50 boxset, despite its ludicrous price, then I went to bed at 4pm.



OH! But I have a lovely blue spider! Thank you [livejournal.com profile] elfinessy He's so cute!
lolabobs: (Default)
I don't have anything insightful or new to say about the riots; it's just so depressing.

Watching images of people destroying age old buildings, burning the homes of random victims. Seeing video of a bleeding boy being mugged by people pretending to help him? That's soul destroying and depressing.

And these riots aren't about protest, they're not making a statement or raising their voices to be heard; they're hiding their faces and enjoying the violence. "Shopping" for goods whilst tearing down the lives of others. This isn't about the rights of Mark Duggan, this is about a frenzy of ridiculous, hateful aggression.

And my country's falling to bits and it's terrifying and heart breaking.
lolabobs: (Default)
So who knew that even after a year, plus, really? A lifetime before that. But even so, a year on and peeping at a few snapshots of my Mum holding a cousin's newborn baby, sees me driving home in tears. So bloody ridiculous and rubbish.
lolabobs: (cry spike)
I feel fine, absolutely fine.

I just keep crying is all.

That stupid crying, for nothing, without a stimulous, just a sort of leaking-eyeball type of crying.

Boo(hoo).
lolabobs: (sad spike)
I wish it were the weekend already.

Not that there's badness now,I just want to sleep late and relax.

I have received 4 DS vids/dvds from eBay, I wanna sit and watch them, well, maybe at least one of them - with wine and maybe popcorn.

I have fic things that I need to write or just forget about, 'cos theya re buzzing in my head and becoming distracting.

I want crisps! I gave them up for Lent (challenge not religion) and I miss them. It's bizarre, I ate chocolate every single day, and I gave that up at the New Year, with barely a backward glance (60 days without and counting!), Crisps on the other hand I'm finding really difficult. I think about them every day. (Not in a yearning, mournful way you understand, just "I'll have a sandwich and crisps for dinner - oh, no I won't" kinda way.)

I am cold today. In an ice cream way.
lolabobs: (broken)
If I should have commented on you today but I haven't, please don't take it personally.

My words haven't really been working today - I've had the right sorts of thoughts, but can't be putting them down.

Certainly not in any meaningful way that might actually resemble communication.

Or you know, interaction.

Normal service will (hopefully) shortly be resumed.
lolabobs: (DERREN GUN)
Really crappy day. got worse. (insert lots of whinging here, really can't even be bothered to type it all). Came home.

I thought I'd cheer myself up with next dose of S&H. Can't go wrong... So which episode am I up to?

Starsky's Woman.

That worked then.

(yes, I know it was stunning, PMG broke my heart. That's the point!

Now I'm looking at old newspaper cuttings instead...
Lookee.. Starsky with a beard and he's more beautiful than ever )

Think I'll go back to [personal profile] lydia_petze post now and read some of the porn!Fic she was recommended. That might cheer me up!
lolabobs: (compal)
sad today. gormless pointless sad with no reason.
It's silly - my favourite word is 'melancholy' - I love the way it looks on the page, the hollow ch sound and the mournfulness it symbolises.
It is however an absolutely pantsy way to actually be feeling.
so feeling sad and weepy. paniccing over texts sent, comments left etc, useual sort of paranoia that comes along with it.
so frustrating. When you have reasons to be unhappy you can rant about it and be all rargh! and !achhh! and it kind of helps.
Instead I will announce that there is positively nothing wrong. I have no woe.
I'm just temporarily broken.
lolabobs: (cry ransom)
I am up and down like a bloody yo-yo
not in a good way
I cried on the way to work. When I got there, walked across the carpark and felt wonderful, bouncy and happy.
An hour later, with no possible prompt I was crying again. This has set the tone for the day.
Perhaps I am manic depressive with the shorteset cycle in the world?
Either way it sucks.
I am currently in a down wave.
Things bugging me:
1)My brother has assumed he will borrow my car next week when there is a family journey to be made to Portsmouth - this is when he has yet to pay me for last year when he borrowed the car and I had to insure him. This year he has not even asked me if he can have thecar, but has asked Mum to find out how early I can let him have it because he doesn't want to be inconvenienced.
2)My friend has assumed I will phone for a job application form for her tomorrow - and then has made pointed comments about me forgetting to do it, and can I get up early especially to do it. Again, didn't actually ask me to do it, just emailed me a phone number.
3)My house still smells where a stray cat has been in and i can't find where it's been to get rid of it and I hate it
4)I am £111 in CREDIT with the phone bill and they won't send me a refund

This is enough. I have decided to stop

Things that are good: Life on Mars is about to start on the telly

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