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Feeling insecure
I'm feeling isolated from my friends, feeling ousted and scared. The trigger for this is a silly thing, linked to something that always happens whenever F is back in town and therefore I know it should be ignored, but today it's getting to me - and in the classic cycle of negative thinking,I'm sitting here telling myself bad things about myself and the way my life is and -
normally I accept it, but sometimes the changes since we lost Dad, my new role as carer/manager of all things and the fact that it means all I ever do is work and visit my Mum, and am a kin dof non person, boring and with nothing to contribute really gets to me.
And it's
Oh I don't know. It's because he's back and when he's back I lose his sister and it all gets scary and sad and I'm going to go to bed instead of feeling sorry for myself.
normally I accept it, but sometimes the changes since we lost Dad, my new role as carer/manager of all things and the fact that it means all I ever do is work and visit my Mum, and am a kin dof non person, boring and with nothing to contribute really gets to me.
And it's
Oh I don't know. It's because he's back and when he's back I lose his sister and it all gets scary and sad and I'm going to go to bed instead of feeling sorry for myself.
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See? These are the times when I know technology has all wrong. If they had worked in a transporter, instead of an iPhone, I'd be there, giving in-the-flesh hugs, and making tea and offering cookies... *sigh*
*more hugs*
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(HUGS)
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I can't manage words but I know what you mean and it'll pass and you're lovely and not boring regardless of things and yes.
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x
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I've been where you've been before and think I know very much what you are feeling. I'm actually quite close to there right now, so I just hope what I'm about to type doesn't make you feel even more depressed.
The line that really hit me hard was your "all I ever do is work and visit my Mum, and am a kind of non person, boring and with nothing to contribute really gets to me." Just typing that was worthwhile because it reminds me that I'm not the only one feeling lonely and worthless. My life is much like your only that you have a valuable job that at least theoretically helps keep society safe from the awful people reporting to you. Not to mention what you're doing with your mom is important. It isn't glamorous and exciting but it's valuable and it is exactly the sort of thing the world needs more of.
In my case, my job boils down to "taking up space." I have very few duties other than reading the mail, paying the bills on time, and answering the phone the handful of times it rings each week. The rest of the time I sit at my desk and feel guilty for getting paid to fart around the internet when so many of my friends are struggling to find work, to pay their bills, or suffering under abusive work situations.
When I come home from work I sit on the couch and tell myself I ought to exercise or at least get up and go for a walk, but instead I turn on the tv and return to the internet for a while. After I've reassured myself I haven't missed anything important, I'll attempt to look through my mail and, if I'm extremely lucky, not feel overwhelmed by the amount of mail I'm behind on and I'll feel awake enough to concentrate on it. I'm cursed with an inexhaustible supply of curiosity but next to no mathematical ability and a very poor grasp of scientific principles, so even though what I want to do is make the world a better place all I really know how to is is watch tv, fart around on the internet, and knit. Even the charity knitting worries me as I wonder if filling the world with more clothes and/or pet beds is really worthwhile. There is already so much stuff in the world and most of the people I know already have more objects than they need. I don't understand fashion at all -- clothes and shoes and make-up are completely uninteresting to me and I don't know why so many people love having new clothes. I'd be perfectly happy owning two pairs of jeans, three pairs of shoes, a dozen t-shirts and one good dress. I'd also need a few coats and sweaters and hats & gloves, but that's it. Department store advertisements appear in my mailbox several times each week and I totally don't get it -- that desire to buy, buy, buy. I want to make the world a better place and I just don't know how to do it.
Hugs, virtual tea, and tons of love.
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I'm always amazed and impressed at how much knitting you do - there may be lots of 'stuff' in the world, but it's not evenly or fairly distributed. If you didn't do what you did, the people you gift would go without, or would have to pay for the things they need - you can make the world a better place a person, thought or gift at a time. Very few of us have the blessings to transform a nation or a world - but we can make someone else's life better for a moment or two - that's just as important.
My life is very 'rutty' at the moment - I work, I got to my mother, I get home and sit at the computer. I certainly can't seem to fit in exercise or improvement. I made resolutions and they include things such as eating healthily (not dieting), exercise (I'm failing that one so far) but also things such as reading books, doing something creative and taking a lunch break... who knows how I'll get on.
HUGS galore and love and thoughts x
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You're not a non-person at all... I certainly understand those feelings, but you ARE loved by so many people. You're a smart and talented woman, and warm and kind and lovely.
Please don't be sad... you're a sweetheart, and I know it's hard to express feelings virtually, but you have definitely been a huge comfort to me when I'm feeling down, and I am so grateful to have such a wonderful friend in my life. (And I am convinced there are umpteen more people who feel the same way about you.)
*hugs, hugs, hugs*
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xxx