working on it

I'm feeling isolated from my friends, feeling ousted and scared. The trigger for this is a silly thing, linked to something that always happens whenever F is back in town and therefore I know it should be ignored, but today it's getting to me - and in the classic cycle of negative thinking,I'm sitting here telling myself bad things about myself and the way my life is and -

normally I accept it, but sometimes the changes since we lost Dad, my new role as carer/manager of all things and the fact that it means all I ever do is work and visit my Mum, and am a kin dof non person, boring and with nothing to contribute really gets to me.

And it's

Oh I don't know. It's because he's back and when he's back I lose his sister and it all gets scary and sad and I'm going to go to bed instead of feeling sorry for myself.

I don't know how to arrange these in thoughts or orders, and I could make separate posts, but I don't want to. So:

I got newbossed a while ago, and the new boss started last week. She's new in that she hasn't been the boss before, so she's learning. Old Boss who was supposed to be here to teach her the ropes is in hospital instead and so Mega Boss came in today and stood in. Our office is falling to pieces a little bit, lots of people are off sick with stress and trauma and things aren't getting done and targets are being missed and it's all a mess. So I came in today to find out that a report hadn't been written and could you do something that pretends to be a report now please in order to save the judge having a hissy fit and putting us in the paper. I did it - and New Boss thanked me *twice* and made a note on the record that I'd done it. Old Boss didn't know what 'thank you' was.

Then Mega Boss spent time apologising to me for other work issues!

Old Boss must be spinning in his hospital bed.

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BFF P was told yesterday that she's going to lose her job (or 80% of it) yesterday. It's a long long story and she has been shafted good and proper - but she is devastated. She has a mortgage and has just moved into her home after over a year of turning it from a shell to a beautiful home - now she's facing a future of £70 a week and may have to lose the house. She's in total shock and has no idea what she can do. Her job is very specific and isn't something she can just go and find a new position for - and she's lost. I feel sick every time I think of her situation and I can't help her and it's horrible.

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Other friend went for a job interview yesterday and, although she scored all the points for the post, someone else scored higher and now she has to watch the person who "doesn't really want the job, but it'll be a change" take the position she's desperate for, and continue to work along side her in an admin role. That's crap too.

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Other friend however, is loved up in the extreme and as the relationship is still secret from most people, spends his days writing "she loves me" or "We went for a walk" on post it notes and holding them up for me to read across the desk. Which is equally as tiring as it is sweet.

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Everything I was supposed to do this week - a meal out, a prison visit to Kent, a birthday gathering - has been cancelled. Instead though I had a different meal out, a different birthday visit and spent yesterday evening with my (lost job) friend. Tomorrow I have to go to my brother's and I just want to go to bed and stay there.

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I went to look at my Mum's neighbour's house today and ... well I don't know. It's nice, but I don't like the decor, but it's airy and next to mum, but it has an electric cooker but it has an en suite bathroom, but I'd have to buy a fridge freezer but it has a patio but they're taking the summer house but it has a huge bedroom but it only has two but it has an open fireplace but it's brick.
And my house is nice. And I don't know what to do and whether I can afford it anyway or whether I can afford teh move etc if I can afford the house and it's all very alarming.

I have a man coming to the house to tell me how much it should cost on Friday and then I can panic about the decisions I would have to make then. Then. then.

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I'm tired.
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F is at Chelsea flower show. Have I mentioned that? He and his business partner designed a garden and got into Chelsea and they won a silver medal today. I sent him a text congratulating him and received a :( in response. When I queried this, his only answer was "I wanted a gold"

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I still very much like White Collar and I shall go and watch an episode now to calm my mind.

I've got a sunburnt nose!

Not quite sure how, 'cos I thought I was sitting with my back to the sun, but glowing red it is nonetheless.

It's been a good day though - managed to get my printer sorted by downloading the software - I'll have to save up for a new laptop and hope nothing else goes wrong on mine in the meantime. I was pleased to work something out though.

And I spent the afternoon with my mate P, sitting in the sun, eating, laughing and chatting. Lovely.

And such a contrast to the event I went to last night - a cheese and wine birthday gathering - where P and I were excluded from the conversation for huge swathes of the evening. (Our sin? Being childless). Oh and the best bit? One of the guests getting a huff on and putting away the board game she'd brought round in a paddy because no one was listening to her read the rules. - The hostess' husband had just arrived home, so we were all greeting him etc and she was making him a cup of tea. It was quite embarassing really.

Plus I ate too much cheese!

But now I'm home, I'm relaxed and my nose is glowing.