lolabobs | Entries tagged with crappy

Something's gonna give at some point I guess, but in the meantime, me and the tissue box are well acquainted and I have a constant headache.

Today though, amongst all the things and the stuff and the rubbish, I had to listen to colleagues pronounce to all who cared to listen, how much worse it was for the mothers at work than anyone else. Just how much more difficult it was for those with children to cope with the work load and pressures than those without children. So very much more tough.

Why exactly? Why does my work/life balance count for less than theirs? Why is it not equally as torturous for me to work myself into a puddle of shit as it is for them? Why does the fact that I don't get to see my friends because I'm working late every sodding night, count for less? The fact I have to leave work and then go and check in on Mum before I can get home? In fact, they don't work late - the parents all get to say "no, I'm not working late, I have kids" - why does that count for more than "I have to get home to care for my Mother, or to see a partner or even to spend a couple of hours on my own to reclaim my sanity"?

Don't get me wrong - parents have huge pressures, they have to juggle life and child care and stress and all the rest of it. But 90% of the time, that's a choice they made, no one made them have kids and they get all the joy and love and reward that goes with it. I'm happy for them.

But whatever being a parent makes them, it doesn't make them any more or less deserving than me. It doesn't mean that all the crap and stress and overwork hits me any less hard than it does them. Why do we have to grade on some sort of curve anyway. We're all in a shithole of a job, overworked and with redundancy looming. Why compete for who's suffering most?

Yes I'm tired, and worn down and crushed with it all. I'm harpy and oversensitive, but I'm equally as valid as those without children and I get fed up with being told I'm not.

[And no, no one on my lovely flist does this to me.]

Current Mood: crushed

I want to rant about my job and about how my boss has frustrated me almost to the point of crying, but if I do it will push me over the edge and it will be boring in the extreme, so I thought I'd come on and say something positive instead but I can't think of anything, so I'm going to go to bed with some malteasers and a book instead.

Current Mood: exhausted

So things continue to be shit. I'm really struggling at the moment. Life is work, Mum and not sleeping (or nightmares, still not sure which I prefer!)

So work: The Government have decided my job is no longer needed, they're changing it so that only 20% of offenders will be managed by Probation Officers, the rest will be farmed out to private companies and volunteers, with payment being target driven. No thought as to how you assess achievement of targets, no thought as to how to manage fluctuating risk, who does assessments, who picks up the pieces - the response to a question around offenders going on to commit serious offences without the current monitoring and risk management was a shrug and effectively "shit happens".

The reality of it, for our office and our numbers, is that we will need 3-5 Probation Officers only to manage the numbers, and none of the lower grade staff. Which is 70% redundancy for POs in my office, 100% for lower grades. The goal is that Probation services will create private companies and TUPE us across, but then they'd have to win the contracts and our salaries and leave etc wouldn't really be protected. All this will be made final in a week or two and will probably be instigated within the year.

If I lose my job? Well, I'm not qualified for another role without further training and have no money to start yet another degree. I'm lucky in that I will be able to move back with mother if it becomes a necessity but it's still shite on a stick while it's all so unknown.

In the meantime, I'm working 12-13 hour days trying to manage an excessive caseload and getting nowhere. Spending my days getting shouted at and threatened and am very clearly not waving but drowning.

I went to the doctor yesterday, for my ulcer medication - he says it should be better by now and has threatened me with further hospital referrals if I don't improve. He was talking to me, then stopped and asked what was wrong and I realised I was crying. He's a lovely chap. (Last week when we took Mum, he likened her kidneys to a tea strainer, then pointed out that hers was "a very old tea strainer"). He talked to me for a bit and wanted to sign me off, offering 3 times but I said no. Not quite sure why now, but there it is.

In the meantime if a man in lavender glasses stabs me, I foretold it in my dreams. So yay me

Current Mood: anxious

We have snow, but not as much as they keep telling us we're going to have. Which, I don't even like snow, but I can't help but feel cheated.

Work has been weird - Monday started by going in and finding out that one of the receptionists had been sacked abruptly late Friday, which was unsettling. It's sad that all the expressions of sympathy were empathic in nature, frather than genuinely upset that the particular person had gone. Sad too that the reactions went from "Gosh, really why?" to "who's covering her work?" very quickly. She was an odd and not overly pleasant person though, so I guess that's been reflected.

Anyway, after that, Tuesday there were men on the roof making ridiculous amounts of noise. Removing some form of structure, which resulted in Wednesday, walking into an office with caved in ceilings, debris and muck and much water everywhere. (Thankfully not my office space). Much dispute has arisen between contractors and management as to the extent and cause of damage. (contractors are positing the theory that it was a coincidental ceiling catastrophe and naught to do with their removing roof tiles and failing to secure any cover...)

Friday saw confirmation that, once again, they are moving staff around, shifting people's desks and locations and general disruption. Have yet to have any real explanation as to why. Of course, we all have so much free time that a few more days wasted packing up and relocating is not going to be a problem. \sarcasm.

Anyhoo.

On top of that it's been a crappy week, I've been speaking to Debs around the loss of her mother and it's heartbreaking just on a compassionate level, but of course, it's bringing far too much to the fore about Dad - and as a consequence I'm dreaming horribly (or about my late boss*, which is equally disturbing if not emotionally distressing) On a lighter note though, I did dream that my bathroom taps were possessed by an evil spirit so I attempted an exorcism by singing Amazing Grace at them...

I don't think Sam'n'Dean ought to try that anytime soon (although it would be amusing to watch, perhaps less so than the current eps!)

On the tv front - I'm watching; SPN, this week's episode was good, but emotionally bleak. H5O which was, well, rather ridiculous of course, but enjoyable nonetheless. Ripper Street - similarly ridiculous, but managing to seem believable while I watch and I really like it and I have Suits still to watch. Oh and Lewis! I don't like it in two halves and I don't like where it's going but I'm enjoying the journey, and there was a dramatic moment when Hathaway looked sooo young and vulnerable and oh.

And my tummy hurts still and I've been feeling bleak all week, but I bought myself a new duvet cover and I won £5 on a scratchcard and I'm trying t hold on to the bright side.

*did I mention that walking into work a couple of weeks back I clearly and distinctly heard his voice? There was just me in the corridor and two women in the staff room. Strange. He would have found the concept of haunting the place amusing though, so I'm not perturbed.

I'm feeling isolated from my friends, feeling ousted and scared. The trigger for this is a silly thing, linked to something that always happens whenever F is back in town and therefore I know it should be ignored, but today it's getting to me - and in the classic cycle of negative thinking,I'm sitting here telling myself bad things about myself and the way my life is and -

normally I accept it, but sometimes the changes since we lost Dad, my new role as carer/manager of all things and the fact that it means all I ever do is work and visit my Mum, and am a kin dof non person, boring and with nothing to contribute really gets to me.

And it's

Oh I don't know. It's because he's back and when he's back I lose his sister and it all gets scary and sad and I'm going to go to bed instead of feeling sorry for myself.

So. None of you are scary and I can write on here.

Yes.

I forgot that for a bit, but I'm going to forget that I forgot.

I didn't win all the millions. I didn't win any in fact. I didn't know how to do Naarmamo. Which is sad and I miss seeing all the other Naartiness. I did watch Suits and I did like it. Although one bit was unexpected and I struggled with it. I don't know anything else to say.

I got my appointment today for the hospital about the lump in my breast - which is astonishingly quick seeing as I only went to the doc on Friday. The appointment is for the 3rd July, which is also very quick. Part of me is pleased that this is so soon and I can get it looked into - the rest of me is thinking, this is the UK, hospital appts take forever, why is it so quick...

And so, I have another hospital apt, which will require time from work - today I found out I have to have a sickness review meeting with HR - they were going to ambush me with it tomorrow at 10am, but I found out and it has been postponed for a few days. I'm really cross that they set me up in that way. But I'm also really peeved that they have decided it is necessary. Supposedly we work on a rolling 12 month period, with the expectation that 6 sick absences (try saying that quickly!) triggers a review. I have had 4 absences, 2 for issues linked to my acid/ulcer, 1 the endoscopy from Thursday, again linked to the acid and the time I had off following Dad's loss. I'm so angry and it feels very unfair. I shall find out what they have to say when it happens I suppose, but I hope to make it clear how I feel about them springing it on me, with no formal notification.

I say hope, because I went to talk to the boss, when I found out about the meeting today and ended up in tears because everything is getting too much for me at the moment. So annoying when that happens.

The solicitor came about Mum's will this morning though (more time out of the office, flexi not sick though), that's happening and underway now, so I suppose that's something ticked off.

I haven't told Mum about the HR thing, or the boob thing. I don't want to stress her out - or to have to deal with her stress. I'm freaking about the health possibilities, not even so much because of omg!Health Possibilities, but because of - well, I'm Mum's carer, I can't be ill. And who would drive me to the appointments etc and how and where and etc etc etc - although most of the time I dive into The Nile, because I don't want to cross those bridges unless I have to.

It's all just... y'know. Too fucking much to do, not enough time and no bloody energy.

Floating around the internet, trying to distract myself from, well, everything really, I clicked on careers advice. Looking for some sort of magic wand or fairy Godmother to say "tada!!! Here's a job you could do that earns the same and yet you won't have to spend your days in confrontation and in contact with offenders and bosses who can make you feel shit in 5 minutes flat. (Bosses for example who have to be reminded that no, I didn't hide in GY for three months after our merger, I was off on sick leave after losing my father)" (I admit that would be quite a long TaDa sort of Fairy Godmother statement, but it's my fantasy so there.)

Anyway. I click on the Govt careers site and follow their 'click our easy questions to check your skill set' option. And I'm stymied right away. First question is about qualifications. Apparently though, they score this in levels now - and I don't mean A or O levels, levels one to eight - but it's okay, I can click onto another guide. (After all why would they make this an easy process?) - still, I think, it's only another click, I'll identify my level and go back to the flow chart. But nope, no O levels there either, lots of BTEC and so VQs, but seemingly the world of qualifications (in Govt career land anyway) doesn't converse in Degrees, Masters or A levels anymore.

I gave up. Perhaps had I persevered I would have found my way to a high class, well paid, low stress job that only the determined and inventive and adaptive deserve. As it is I shall spend my day being put down by an arsehole boss who thinks it useful to tell me I'm odd and put him on edge and by offenders whose aim is to dominate and humiliate me.

And if I'm really lucky I can spend my nights dreaming about it too.

Current Mood: sad

Woke up feeling sad, and tired, and ill. Not the best start and not a strong foundation. Work was, there was nothing that happened as such, but I felt ill and out of place. I dealt with everything, but then I was getting ready to interview and since we've moved offices everything's changed - before we had a report, we were given a file and everything else we needed was saved onto the computer under their name - now, well now there's no tellingwhere anything will be, it seems to depend upon whichever individual processed it, Norfolk people are saved in Suffolk, have teh systems are inaccessible and... anyway, I went into the other room to ask my colleagues for help. I'm wheezing 'cos I'm still ill. I explain my query and someone comments on my lack of voice, next thing I know, I'm crying. And can't stop. I disappear into the loos for a while, wash my face, come out - sit at my desk and find I'm just sitting there crying. Thankfully, one of my colleagues just came over to me, took the file for the imminent report from me and told me to go home.

I drove around for an hour - just crying and driving before I eventually went home.

Home, where I had lunch - and broke my tooth on a bread roll.

So then followed emergency dentistry - which regulars amongst you will know I don't do well. Dentist "AW!"ing at me as I lay there shaking, crying ('cos I hadn't leaked salt water enough today) and making embarassing squeaky noises.

I now have a headache, toothache and screwy sinusses. Today sucked.

I just told

jekesta that I hadn't gotten as far as posting, even though I thought I ought (that rhymes) because otherwise I wouldn't. And now I am. I wasn't lying, but I made my comment out of date very quickly. Or reasonably quickly, depending how long it takes me to write this.

I was ill. On New Year's Eve I started feeling, then being, very very sick. I am blaming a chicken sandwich, though it was preceded (and accompanied) by the same sort of pain that they told me was a heart attack last time. It wasn't. It was, however, horribly unpleasant and I still have no voice X days later. I was going to put a number there but have no idea how many days issit. Anyway. I was in bed by 5pm on NYE and that's that.

I am not at work either. I went to the doctor to get my "you can go to work" certificate signed. This is progress apparantly, the doc has t say you can go back now instead of just saying you can't. Anyway, he didn't. Or did. Depending which bit of that sentence this bit goes with. Either way, I was a snivelling, shaking wreck and he said I wasn't to go to work. So. Which has left me glad and sad in equal measure. 'Cos I kinda think I should and it would proably be good for me. But it makes me feel sick whenever I think about it. But I know that I have passed the 'acceptable/sympathy' time now and people will now think I am swinging the lead/milking it. Not all the people. Not nice people, but HR type people and work people and all those. And I still don't know what to do about the Norwich work and wether I should give that up, which I want to but don't and which I think would be maybe a mistake, but then doing it was a mistake in teh first place and i haven't a clue. Oh and my doctor has referred me to someone. I don't know who. And he gave me sleeping pills to take, which I was wary about taking anyway and then the Evil Daily Mail (mum's paper. Ths is one more layer of crapness is that I see teh Mail every day) says the pills I have are EVIL and for weak people. And gragh. I know to disbelieve the Mail on principal but my brain isn't always good at that.

And my brother and I had a talk and he said that if I had to move in permanently to help Mum in the future, they wouldn't kick me out of teh house when she died. he didn't say it like that. he was very tactful and keen to make sure that I knew he wasn't expecting me to look after her and that they had talked about having her mve in with them ("Except that wouldn't work") and that they would take her cat so mine could move in with me and ....

And he took my Daddy's car away to sell it. And I saw today that the man who runs the auctions me and Dad always go to had a big accident on the 17th of November and is going to be okay but nearly wasn't and I wanted to tell my Daddy and couldn't. And my brther wanted me to stay in to receive a parcel for him tomorrow and I didn't want to, 'cos Thirsday is tehe day Mum goes out and so it is the day I go out and he was fine and got it sent to work instead but I cried and cried and cried.

Oh and he gave me a sewing machine, which he gave me Friday and he had to hunt it out of the back of his cupboard and I hit my head helping him and then he found the instructions too and it's all very kind, but I don't want it, 'cos I want a new one and my friends have clubbed together to gve me brthday money towards a new one and I don't know how to say no.

I was sent cards and ecards and virtual gifts and they were all lovely and they made me smile when I got them and I am really appreciative but I don't know who I've said Thank you to and who I haven't and so I'll say Thank you here and I know it isn't personal but I do mean it.

Oh and I got a cupcake maker for Christmas. I shall make cupcakes tomorrow. My Thursday outness has been cancelled. And I didn't know what to do instead, on my own 'cos who I was going to see I can't. That's why I looked at Fakenham to see if teh auction was on. But anyway it isn't, so I don't know where to go now. So I might make cupcakes instead. And I do have a scarf to knit and cats to fuss, but I did want to escape. Hmm.

I watched Sherlock and wasn't horrified by the pre watershed nudity; although was by the person in the daily mail who called Adler a 'slut'. And I watched H50 and there wasn't any nudity. Are those spoilers? I don't think so. And there's a programme on about Probation officer tonight, but I haven't watched it yet. I hope they don't have feisty probation Officer Anna Friel falling in love with her client.

I should go I think.

I'm not coping brilliantly with things at the moment. I am on the surface, jolly, jokey Lola at work and play - but it's hard right now. I'm sleeping appallingly - this last week my dreams have been classic anxiety dreams (Why can't I dream about Steve and Danno every night, huh?) - So I'm lost, can't find my way, find myself in situations with everyone staring at me, or doing things wrong, or falling... all very cliche, classic stuff.

( Cut for those who don't need to hear it )So yesterday I cried, I went and bought myself the H50 boxset, despite its ludicrous price, then I went to bed at 4pm.

OH! But I have a lovely blue spider! Thank you

elfinessy He's so cute!

Current Mood: drained

This seems such a pettywhinge but it feels huge and so I'm going to moan about it anyway.

Work. Whenever isn't it.

( I cut this 'cos it's a lot of whiniging about a seating plan which is incredibly minor in teh grand scheme of things but is looming large in my stressed little world, but which no one deserves to have to read and is as much about venting and trying not to cry at work as it anything else. )

Mother has taken to responding to any of my moans with "Oh well, you'll just have to cope we come up on the lottery." As a coping strategy this leaves a lotto be desired!

I started watching onnotheydidn't because someone linked to a post I found interestng, I came back fonight to what felt like 3000 entries on my flist, I couldn't make it stop being there so I unjoined. Hindsight made me realise this is exactly what I did about a year ago when I couldn't cope then either!

That last point was obviously completely unrelated to my previous. I think I should go to bed.

So today has been a duvet day in the true sense of the word; the most energetic task of the day has been snapping off chocolate to eat.

Lots of stresses on at the moment, so I've interspersed feeling blue (and eating chocolate) with varying distraction techniques. [Yes, programme that I teach my offenders, this would be emotion focussed avoidance and not a helpful way to deal with problems, but a) sod off b) I can't change most of the situations c) I haven't committed any offences so can be as dysfunctional as I like and d) sod off.)

Erm yes. So I've worked out how to transfer files to the otherwise useless kindle (although I can only do it via Ao3 which has the mobi files there ready and waiting for me. Lord knows how to adapt non mobi files). I've watched Tangled (loved Maximus), Megamind and rewatched Paul (I did still enjoy this on a rewatch, but don't love it). I watched Bailey and Scott and although it was engaging it felt distanced. (That was last week's ep I watched btw, not seen this week's yet, nor case histories yet). Oh and I watched River Cottage too. Thrilling day.

Current Mood: apathetic

So, I kind of should be at work in 5 minutes, although I am on flexi so there'll be no consequences if I don't get there. But I'm sat here, having been sat here for the last hour. I haven't showered or sorted anything, I don't even know what clothes are clean/ironed and I don't wanna go. Can find no motivation. I just want to sit here, except I don't. I don't wanna do anything. Go back to bed maybe, maybe not. I'm just full of negativity and meh and ARGH. I do know I don't wantt o go to work though - and part of that is 'cos I've got a crappy day ahead of me - but I didn't want to go yesterday and that wasn't a crappy day ahead at all.

I hate these episodes. I'm always fearful that *this time* they won't go away and I'll be stuck here again.

It's been an odd weekend - Saturday I sunk into a deep funk of woe and self pity and literally did not move from the sofa other than for essential bodily tasks. I read a 502 page book, and then started in on the fanfic. Did it make me feel better? I'm not sure, but it gave me a day out of myself.

Today I've been out for lunch - kidnapped by the folks, lunch provided, although I think it was all a ploy to get me round to theirs afterwards so I could teach Dad how to Copy and Paste (again!). Hey Ho. Also explained to him that the reason his music wouldn't play when he minimised the window was because the big red X in the corner wasn't the 'minimise button'. Bless him.

I've just watched The Losers - I haven't seen The A Team movie, but it struck me as an A Team film without any of the indignation of it being an A Team remake, if that makes sense. Either way, JDM looking Mighty Damn Fine, and Zoe Saldana wasn't too hard on the eyes either. I started watching it thinking 'Mmmm?' but it engaged me well enough and bits actually caught me unawares.

I was going to do the voice meme thing, but apparantly UK doesn't have voice posts. Boo :(

Current Mood: crappy

I'm beginning to get overwhelmed by the thought of Christmas - the present thing, I have *no* spare money and have no idea where presents are going to come from. But I'm also getting stressed by the social demands - my diary is filling up already, christmas meals, (I have to do everything twice now, two teams = two of everything!) nights out, pantos, gatherings, family stuff - it's smothering me a little at the moment!

( Actually, this developed into a whinge of woe and no one needs to read that on a Wednesday morning. )

I need to discover a secret talent pronto, so I can whisk myself away from all this nonsense!

Things of the Good:

I have pulled chicken for ~~the next week and a half~~ my tea. It's teh first time I've made it and it's soooooo good I'm excited for dinner time.

naarmamo is underway and I'm keeping up.

I have orange and grapefruit lollies freezing in the. erm, well the freezer obviously.

Things of the bad:

Work is generally shitty at the moment and is going to get worse. They're closing down our office and moving us to another and are going to change all our procedures (which are generally more efficient and productive - eg we allocate reports by all report writers provide 'slots', Court staff look at the diary, match report to a writer and issue teh offender with all appointmnet details and do all teh admin tasks needed, new office sends the reports that are wanted to an admin who does a few bits of admin, it goes in an in tray for teh next person who does some more admin, a third person does a bit more - (this takes a minimum of a week) then the report goes to a fourth person who has to choose who will do a report and go round and ask them if they can do it. The report writer then has to try and contact the offender to arrange an apt and then send them a letter with the details.) This is by no means an isolated example.

Creepy freaky offender is still on the loose

I had a hair cut yesterday and I now have a thing on my head that looks like it belongs on a frumpy middle aged woman and a sulky teenaged boy.

Things of the ugly:

Mum had an MRI scan several weeks back. They seemed to forget about her but after a deal of harassment on our behalf, she received a letter yesterday stating that "Although there is no evidence of secondary disease from her breast cancer there are changes to her ovaries that need further investigation." Sh eis now awaiting an apt for an ultrasound. Needless to say I am worried shitless for her (and have a selfish voice wondering on the hereditary concerns for me if my mother has both breast and ovary worries). She is my primary concern though, so any good vibes you can spare for her would be great and most welcome.

Current Mood: anxious

..I'm just a little bit broken at the moment.

This whole convalescent thing is a lot more miserable than I anticipated. Healthwise - well I'm getting better. I have less pain and the pain when it is, is less. I have movement and am able to get out of teh house for short periods - taken for drives, or to a shop for a half hour meander. Generally followed by a 2 hour siesta!

I am kinda borked emotionally though. Can't really face people, lethargic, apathetic and, well, just plain miserable really. Scared of even thinking about work. sweeping wafts of woe and weepiness. Insomnia mixed witha fear of even trying to sleep. bored beyond all measure and bored with myself.

It makes me very frustrated with myself.I feel a fraud for being so woeful when I have no real reason, then irritated with myself, then ashamed, then bored, then... yep, poor attention focus to add to the mix!

Anyway. This is just to explain that I've been so very quiet. I feel unable to comment a lot of the time at the moment, but I'm still reading and feeling and caring - just can't really communicate overly well at the minute. Ah well.

I'll post a picture of a kitten in a minute.

Current Mood: melancholy

I'm sorry to be so boring, but I'm so bloody miserable lately and it's doing my head in.

Nice considered, adult, erudite summation there Lola.

( cut for unecessary whinging. )

Note to self: Always end note on a positive...

I framed two

enednoviel pictures at the weekend, and they look fantastic. Photographic proof will eventually surface.

2nd positive thing

jekesta I love you! I have just selected my mood and as Hutch popped up looking woeful I thought of you and your comment of the other day and smiled!
:dances you:

Current Mood: sad

I took a day off today - head still in meltdown mode, so thought I'd take a day to breathe... and what have I done with that day?

Slept.

Well. Awake at 7am after another sleep disturbed night - I pottered a little, then had breakfast. I next woke at 12 noon! After that..well I had lunch (Having worked up a huge appetite!) I pootled on teh interweb awhile, then sat down to read my book (Am now on OoTP - I think I overestimated how long it would take me to read through the Potters in prep for the new one!) - after reading awhile.. I woke up at 8pm. WTF!

Since then I rewatched the last Dr.Who - Still enjoying the phone scene. Then watched the last hour of Hot Fuzz.. now I'm going to bed.

Hmmm.

zzzzz

Current Mood: lethargic

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Entries tagged with crappy

Another day of weeping at work

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Feeling insecure

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Lola wobbles (but she...?)

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That's my daddy in my icon.

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