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Work tomorrow means high anxiety tonight.

Still.

I am going to phone my doctor tomorrow and try and get an appointment. Not sure for what, he can't make work bearable again. A friend texted me earlier and said she wanted me "enjoying life" again - I laughingly replied that he was a doctor not a miracle worker. But I don't know. Perhaps I need to consider medication because I'm not doing so well on my own.

I don't want that though, it feels ... please note that I know this is rubbish, I encourage both my clients and friends to seek medicinal support when it is needed and think none the less of them, I fully, fully understand that such things need outside help. But. I've been there. I was so ill for so long and I got better. I got better, and even the thought of needing help again, feels like failure. like going backwards. And I don't know why because I genuinely don't judge other people, truly truly I don't.

And it's all abstract at this point anyway, but I'm not coping. I'm crying at *everything*, not sleeping and feel like shite every single day. And it isn't all just work, although that isn't helping. I miss my Dad so much, still and know that that isn't going to go away- and know that, of course, I will lose mum too, one day and I don't know how I'll cope with that. And. I don't know.

Oh dear. This wasn't meant to be a list of woes.

I have friends that love me and.

Maybe no ands, but maybe that should be enough.

Gragh. I'm going to go to bed again, sleep can only be good right? bed and a book and I shall wake rested and revivified and raring to go.


Instead I went and listened to youtube and wierd songs and vids. Going to bed now though.

Date: 2013-09-15 11:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] loyseofverlaine.livejournal.com
It isn't self-pity, or weakness or any of that nonsense. Your work-place sounds absolutely awful, I don't know how you manage to cope at all. Work related stress can be hugely debilitating, and in an environment where you seem to be getting no support from your management or human resources department, you're basically having to handle it all on your own. Is there any possibility that your doctor could get you some stress-leave time? Not just a couple of days, but long enough that you could recharge your batteries and maybe consider a career change?

And on top of it all, you;re grieving for your father, and that also has physical and mental side effects. All I can tell you is that it does get better, but it takes time. My father passed away in 2002 and it's only been in the last two or three years that my mother is finally able to listen to some of their CDs again.

{{{Hugs}}}

Date: 2013-09-16 10:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolabobs.livejournal.com
Thanks.

I could get signed off my doctor tomorrow - he's aware of my history and would do so like a shot - the problem is the government are selling off Probation. Approx 30% of staff will be kept on by the National Probation Service. The remainder of the job/service will be let out to private sector companies - with an unknown quantity of redundancies. If I were to be signed off with anything under the umbrella of work related stress I'd be taking myself out of the running for a job.

(I'm currently working on ideas for how to convince my GP to sign me off for a fortnight or longer with measles!)

I am struggling with it all, and well, will be signed off if I absolutely have to - but I'm hanging in there while I can.

And looking at career options in the meantime.

(hugs)

Date: 2013-09-16 09:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kat-lair.livejournal.com
Oh hun *hugs you* But what you are feeling is due to external reasons and you shouldn't internalise it in, i.e. you're feeling stressed and depressed because your work is putting unreasonable pressures on you and you are still grieving, not because you are somehow weak or unable to cope or something like that. Proper time off and (and I know how difficult this is in the current climate and with all the financial responsibilities but...) perhaps starting to look at changing career/life trajectories work-wise...?

Date: 2013-09-16 10:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lolabobs.livejournal.com
Thanks.

I am considering other options - it's the bind in that Probation is reasonably well paid (although not enough for what we have to do!) and not much else matches it - but I'm looking around.

I'm trying to avoid being signed off, as if I do I'm practically consigning myself to the redundancy/wagecut private sector list and I'd like to keep my options open as long as I can. (Although I'm also aware that something will give soon and I'd just as soon it wasn't my sanity.)

Thanks for your words and thoughts.

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