working on it

I just told jekesta that I hadn't gotten as far as posting, even though I thought I ought (that rhymes) because otherwise I wouldn't. And now I am. I wasn't lying, but I made my comment out of date very quickly. Or reasonably quickly, depending how long it takes me to write this.

I was ill. On New Year's Eve I started feeling, then being, very very sick. I am blaming a chicken sandwich, though it was preceded (and accompanied) by the same sort of pain that they told me was a heart attack last time. It wasn't. It was, however, horribly unpleasant and I still have no voice X days later. I was going to put a number there but have no idea how many days issit. Anyway. I was in bed by 5pm on NYE and that's that.

I am not at work either. I went to the doctor to get my "you can go to work" certificate signed. This is progress apparantly, the doc has t say you can go back now instead of just saying you can't. Anyway, he didn't. Or did. Depending which bit of that sentence this bit goes with. Either way, I was a snivelling, shaking wreck and he said I wasn't to go to work. So. Which has left me glad and sad in equal measure. 'Cos I kinda think I should and it would proably be good for me. But it makes me feel sick whenever I think about it. But I know that I have passed the 'acceptable/sympathy' time now and people will now think I am swinging the lead/milking it. Not all the people. Not nice people, but HR type people and work people and all those. And I still don't know what to do about the Norwich work and wether I should give that up, which I want to but don't and which I think would be maybe a mistake, but then doing it was a mistake in teh first place and i haven't a clue. Oh and my doctor has referred me to someone. I don't know who. And he gave me sleeping pills to take, which I was wary about taking anyway and then the Evil Daily Mail (mum's paper. Ths is one more layer of crapness is that I see teh Mail every day) says the pills I have are EVIL and for weak people. And gragh. I know to disbelieve the Mail on principal but my brain isn't always good at that.

And my brother and I had a talk and he said that if I had to move in permanently to help Mum in the future, they wouldn't kick me out of teh house when she died. he didn't say it like that. he was very tactful and keen to make sure that I knew he wasn't expecting me to look after her and that they had talked about having her mve in with them ("Except that wouldn't work") and that they would take her cat so mine could move in with me and ....

And he took my Daddy's car away to sell it. And I saw today that the man who runs the auctions me and Dad always go to had a big accident on the 17th of November and is going to be okay but nearly wasn't and I wanted to tell my Daddy and couldn't. And my brther wanted me to stay in to receive a parcel for him tomorrow and I didn't want to, 'cos Thirsday is tehe day Mum goes out and so it is the day I go out and he was fine and got it sent to work instead but I cried and cried and cried.

Oh and he gave me a sewing machine, which he gave me Friday and he had to hunt it out of the back of his cupboard and I hit my head helping him and then he found the instructions too and it's all very kind, but I don't want it, 'cos I want a new one and my friends have clubbed together to gve me brthday money towards a new one and I don't know how to say no.

I was sent cards and ecards and virtual gifts and they were all lovely and they made me smile when I got them and I am really appreciative but I don't know who I've said Thank you to and who I haven't and so I'll say Thank you here and I know it isn't personal but I do mean it.

Oh and I got a cupcake maker for Christmas. I shall make cupcakes tomorrow. My Thursday outness has been cancelled. And I didn't know what to do instead, on my own 'cos who I was going to see I can't. That's why I looked at Fakenham to see if teh auction was on. But anyway it isn't, so I don't know where to go now. So I might make cupcakes instead. And I do have a scarf to knit and cats to fuss, but I did want to escape. Hmm.

I watched Sherlock and wasn't horrified by the pre watershed nudity; although was by the person in the daily mail who called Adler a 'slut'. And I watched H50 and there wasn't any nudity. Are those spoilers? I don't think so. And there's a programme on about Probation officer tonight, but I haven't watched it yet. I hope they don't have feisty probation Officer Anna Friel falling in love with her client.

I should go I think.

Have spent much of today asleep -( Am cutting this, 'cos I seem to have gone on a bit about health and general anxieties and stuff too dull to inflict without a cut - enter ye at your peril )

I've been burning discs, just need to work out how to send them, I don't have any cases, I guess they'll be okay lose in a padded envelope or something. I will see what I can find. :)

Ooh - should have checked my oil and water I suppose - by which I mean I should have looked pitifully at my father and asked him to 'show me how to do it' again... I'm a pathetic excuse for womanhood. But I like my Dad looking after me.

Ah well, I shall go an take my anxieties to bed. :)

Hmm..

Things that have occurred this week:

I have melted my hoover - 8inch hole in the hose because I left it too near the fire. Can't afford a nw one at the minute, but can't actually seem to care. Least I didn't burn the house down.
(Did I mention that my neighbour but 1 had a bonfire in his back garden in the middle of the night?) odd.

Overheard in chippy: tail end of a conversation about the government and sleaze. 60yr woman ended with "what we need is another Hitler to get rid of some of the crap that's in this country" - her fellow conversationee made some non descript noise, whereupon Hitler's fan conceded that "Trouble is, he went a little too far"

Interview with dangerous man - lasted 3hours. He wasn't terribly frightening, but every so often there was a look, he kind of went 'unfocussed' and I became very aware that I was there alone. He blocked my exit very early on, in the way he was sitting, and every half hour or so, reached into his sock/shoe/trouser leg area.. ie like reaching for the knives he is known to carry... Was a very strange experience.

More dreams about colleague, whispering together, in moment of near peril, hidden and dark and so close that as we whispered our lips were almost touching. No kissing, no acknowledgement of this. Just UST I suppose. Very disconcerting, when it doesn't reflect the real life situation.

Watched: Top gear by accident - RH in a fast car getting so excited that 'the hairs on his body were standing up' was oddly sweet.
Watched: Dalziel & Pascoe - Andy losing it - punching his hand, was affecting. And the last exchange between he and Peter was lovely (newspaper review today said that 'Andy and Peter need to sort their relationship out' ending that they needed a 'good fist fight' to clear the air. Not what I was thinking!)
Watched: Neighbours. Alex is no more, The Timmins' are free, and I am slowly regrowing my schoolgirl crush on Dr Karl
Watched: Billy Elliot again - two bits: the Town called Malice setpeice, and the Father crossing the picket line. I love.
Watched: Raspberry Reich.. Didn't like it. Perhaps I'm too conventional. How disappointing.

Been very very low, crappy, hurty and poo. No reason, and therefore not allowing myself to fully recognise it, hence my juvenile descriptives. Have damaged however, which diminishes me. But will dismiss that too and say yah boo sucks. To whom I have no idea.

Have bought The persuaders #2 ie eps 12 - 24. Hurrah.

there were words. they have gone. this is better.
It is defended. they were there. i kept them because they are good.
I'm a bit confused. i added those.
i am bblah and sxkcrk and frgtgeerf.

these are new words but are better than the old ones.
i am going