working on it

So, my mum's magazine has been running stories on 'sperm doners' via the internet, trying to claim an expose (How *do* you get accents on letters?) that the men are just after sex, wanting 'natural donation' ... so this week's mag was full of counterclaims from happily impregnated women who'd gotten sperm from altruistic men for nowt but £30 travel costs, sperm in a little pot, no sex required - there were explanation of the sites available and how very easy it had all been.

And I sat there and thought, "Oh, it's a lot simpler than I thought, I could check that out. Just maybe. In a while.When I'm ready."

And it honestly took me 5 minutes before the penny dropped. 5 minutes of meandering daydreams and suprising optimism.

Bugger.

Seriously - I never realised how intrinsic a part of my life they'd become. Every single purse or jacket I pick up has tampons in the pockets. There are pads and plugs in drawers and cupboards, corners and cabinets. Everywhere.

I'm also not really sure what to do with them, it's easier somehow to offer someone a bag of unwanted books. And let's not even mention teh moon cup (used ofr 3 whole months before I gave up!)

Mixed in with the growing realisation that I need never buy another plug again, is a befuddled tetchiness around the concept of the children I always thought I'd never have anyway. At times (when my still present PMT is at it's worst) there's almost a sense of "How dare they?" whenever someone even mentions another having children. (In my dream last night I dreamt I was 5 again, visiting with my Mum and Nanny. There was a small baby there (Who was TALKING - it was literally 3 weeks old and was conversing lucidly with my mother - creepiest thing EVER) - and my Nanny made some traditionally broody comment about not having a baby in her arms and my 5 year old dream self stropped at her to "get over it, I never would now") It's a tad confusing.

~~~

I moved piles of books today (sensibly and in small heaps!) and realised that the ones on my windowsill had actually formed quite a helpful 'curtain' and that with them gone my neighbours had a better view than they should. Maybe some books will revert to the sill...

Went out with the folks in teh afternoon, ice cream at the seaside and charity shopping for more books.

~~

Birthday greetings to Marion nd Audrey x x x x

Today I...

sat downstairs for an hour!
had a visitor!
watched cheesy 70s sitcoms!

decided 10 days of doing nothing was going to drive me insane!
realised that I didn't have a lot of choice in the matter!
had a nap!

OOh - it's exciting here.

So, in a few hours I am admitted.

I feel so sick right now. Like there's a lump blocking my throat. I haven't packed my hospital bag, nor my 'stuff to take to Mum's' bag. I haven't bathed or dressed and I'm just sitting here trying to will teh time to pass, but also to stand still.

Ug.

I'm blocking out the consequences of teh op, I'm trying not to think about the practicalities of it. Actually I'm not too worried about the pain etc. I'll have morphine immediately after, and analgesia afterward. I'll be looked after and have no pressure, so that's good. I'm lucky there. I'm just freaking about the immediate stuff. The being in hospital surrounded by people stuff, the not being able to talk to those I need to speak with. Having embarassing things done, enemas, catheters, hating my body and having it exposed to stranger after stranger. Geting more and more stressed. Ug.

It will be done in a week. I'll be home and in familiar surroundings. It's only a week for God's sake.

I do keep fighting the urge to write "if I die" communications - even though I know that won't happen. It's just, I'm getting freaked now.

ARGHHHHHH!

Right. Enough of this whinging and silliness. I'm going to go and bath and pack. I shall see you all on the flip side. Well, most of me will!

xxx

My womb, sensing its imminent demise, has decided that it's going out kicking and screaming. Either that or it thinks that causing pain, mess and mayhem is the way to make me come to my senses and realise "Doctors be damned, I'm keeping you!"

My angst on losing my womanhood, diminishes with each application of hot water bottle.

It's been a strange weekend - yesterday was great - I went shopping with Mother - bought some clothes - major bargains - and I can only afford cheap stuff at the moment, so pleased to get a few goodies - especially as the stuff I bought at the end of May is already too big :D
Oh and Ha - my calves have always been too big for knee high boots, and I've realised this morning that if I continue as I am, I am going to be able to have sexi boots this winter! How sad am I?!

Really busy day yesterday then, shopping with Mum, helped Dad put up and tune in his new tv, saw my friend in the evening, then came home and watched Zack and Miri make a porno (Which I really liked - as opposed to Step Brothers which I saw in teh week and was apallingly bad).

Today I haven't even changed out of my pjs. Every time I tried to do anything I came over week and exhausted. Not breathless as such, just feeling wacked out. I guess teh anaemia is coming back - I had a blood test Thursday again though, So I will get the results soon - and it's my hospital apt Wed, so an end may be in sight!

And on that point - any flisters out there who have had hysterectomy wanna answer a few questions - maybe of a TMI nature? Although teh current pressing issue is - do you still get PMT? I have had such rage this week, and it really isn't like me, bit moody yeah, but not full on wantin to scream. (Not helped by my neighbours who chose to play their music very loudly today. In two seperate rooms, two seperate sets of music. Argh!)

I watched Robin Hood ( and )

I can smell smoke.

I am listening to Red by Daniel Merriweather and I'm in the Mood for love by Jools Holland and Jamiroquai on rotating repeat. (Quietly!)

All shiny and optimistic and la la la with the false belief that my body actually liked me a little bit?

Pah - fooey.

It is done. I am biopsied and probed and all sorts. I also suspect that they swung me around from the stirrups, rented me out as a crash test dummy and dropped me off the trolley - something has to account for the bruises and my extreme inability to move for days. But the bruises are fading and I am capable of movement once more, so hurrah!

How is everyone out there? All well and shiny I hope.

In the 'week' of my absence my nephew was mugged - bastards. But E fought back and floored teh git and lost only a necklace, although was shaken up.

Also discovered that my aunt was targetted by arsonists last Thursday and she lost her caravan, two sheds and contents, an awning and half her conservatory before the fire brigade killed teh flames.

In less dramatic news I have returned to my home to find that a cat has been in and peed somewhere, I've yet to seek out where.

Ah well.

I'm Baaaaaack!!!