working on it

I survived a July of posting every day. (I hope it wasn't *too* tiresome for you all!)

Not sure what happens now, Naarmamo starts tomorrow, but I'm finding the mere thought of that rather daunting - We'll see what happens.

In the meantime tomorrow is bank apts and garage. Grown up stuff that I realise now, (As I type this before going to bed) that I meant to research on the internet in advance. Maybe I'll wake up early enough tomorrow to have a quick squidge.

I'm also needing to wash my clothes, dry and iron same, clean the entire house and pack for hols.

Fri I have a hundred and one work tasks I need to complete before I go on leave, so I expect an 8 or 9 pm finish.

Then hols (which I should be excited about, but am equally becoming daunted by - it's a 5 hour drive to the destination which is a stress in and of itself, and then there's going to be tons of family visiting, and staying in relative's houses and ...)

I'm sure it will all be spiffing.

We have snow, but not as much as they keep telling us we're going to have. Which, I don't even like snow, but I can't help but feel cheated.

Work has been weird - Monday started by going in and finding out that one of the receptionists had been sacked abruptly late Friday, which was unsettling. It's sad that all the expressions of sympathy were empathic in nature, frather than genuinely upset that the particular person had gone. Sad too that the reactions went from "Gosh, really why?" to "who's covering her work?" very quickly. She was an odd and not overly pleasant person though, so I guess that's been reflected.

Anyway, after that, Tuesday there were men on the roof making ridiculous amounts of noise. Removing some form of structure, which resulted in Wednesday, walking into an office with caved in ceilings, debris and muck and much water everywhere. (Thankfully not my office space). Much dispute has arisen between contractors and management as to the extent and cause of damage. (contractors are positing the theory that it was a coincidental ceiling catastrophe and naught to do with their removing roof tiles and failing to secure any cover...)

Friday saw confirmation that, once again, they are moving staff around, shifting people's desks and locations and general disruption. Have yet to have any real explanation as to why. Of course, we all have so much free time that a few more days wasted packing up and relocating is not going to be a problem. \sarcasm.

Anyhoo.

On top of that it's been a crappy week, I've been speaking to Debs around the loss of her mother and it's heartbreaking just on a compassionate level, but of course, it's bringing far too much to the fore about Dad - and as a consequence I'm dreaming horribly (or about my late boss*, which is equally disturbing if not emotionally distressing) On a lighter note though, I did dream that my bathroom taps were possessed by an evil spirit so I attempted an exorcism by singing Amazing Grace at them...

I don't think Sam'n'Dean ought to try that anytime soon (although it would be amusing to watch, perhaps less so than the current eps!)

On the tv front - I'm watching; SPN, this week's episode was good, but emotionally bleak. H5O which was, well, rather ridiculous of course, but enjoyable nonetheless. Ripper Street - similarly ridiculous, but managing to seem believable while I watch and I really like it and I have Suits still to watch. Oh and Lewis! I don't like it in two halves and I don't like where it's going but I'm enjoying the journey, and there was a dramatic moment when Hathaway looked sooo young and vulnerable and oh.

And my tummy hurts still and I've been feeling bleak all week, but I bought myself a new duvet cover and I won £5 on a scratchcard and I'm trying t hold on to the bright side.

*did I mention that walking into work a couple of weeks back I clearly and distinctly heard his voice? There was just me in the corridor and two women in the staff room. Strange. He would have found the concept of haunting the place amusing though, so I'm not perturbed.

Belated Happy New Year. Lj was petulant every time I tried to post at an appropriate time, so I played it at its own game and stopped trying. Ha! I can outsulk you lj, anytime you like.

In the meantime, I have been to work - which was rubbish as usual. Oh, but the foul man - I saw him again (We bumped into him in the street over Christmas) and he started out aggressive, before moving on to quiz me about who I was out with when he saw me and what I did over Christmas. (A while ago he asked me if I knew what it was like to go through a divorce, I gave my standard answer that I don't talk about my personal life at work from which he has intuited (!) that I am divorced with children - he continues with this idea, I continue to give no information other than generalised "yes, I had a nice Christmas"). I then had to talk to him about a missed appointment, making it clear that a second missed apt would result in a return to Court, he was sulky about this. Then announced "You need to find another job." He repeated himself, then added "You're too good for Probation. I like you."

UGH UGH UGH.

Who'd have thought I pined for threats!

Work aside there was a New Year's Eve. Which was quiet but I can't be bothered to write about it. I was going to comment on the Jools Holland programme, but I realise I can't spell it. It was enjoyable anyway!

I have made some resolves and am going to do a book for them in a minute. If I get organised enough I will scan it.

Oh, I watched The Hobbit. Not in the cinema, I wasn't overly interested really, but then it became available and I thought I might as well and it far exceeded my expectations. (I had none, well, I expected to be bored). I have no knowledge of the source (I should read it really) and so none of it offended me and although there were bits that I initially wasn't clear on (I struggled to tell Orcs and Goblins apart for a while) I did enjoy it and even have interest and anticipation for seeing the next installments. Hell, be truthful, I'm even tempted to watch it again. Plus Richard Armitage is very easy on the eye.

Miranda - I watched her too (twice) and enjoyed it muchly.

The decorations (such that they were) came down in all locations I am linked to - at work I was called "The Bauble Police" because I insisted they came down Friday so as not to pass Twelfth Night.

I have increased medication for my ulcer issues, I have multi vitamins and I have a headache.

I was succesfully outbid on something on ebay that I bid impulsively for and regretted. (Joules did a breakfast giftset for Christmas. I wanted the bowls that came with it but wasn't overly bothered by the box of porridge oats, the toast racks or the eggcups (I already have the eggcups). I was going to buy it half price in the sale, but they sold out. I became a bit obsessed, found it on ebay and bid in a moment of ridiculousness - thankfully someone was even more silly than me and outbid me (paying more than full price ultimately PLUS postage.) The bowls are pretty though.)

Then I undone the good work by paying £36 on a dish drainer. £36! More stupidity, provoked by a "I have a coupon to get £10 off if I spend £50 and I want the cheap perfume (that was a bargain at half price) and I need to buy something else to take it over £50 and... yes, I know it's rubbish. My bank account is struggling after Christmas anyway and I need to economise not buy unneeded things. On the other hand it is very pretty.

I shan't tell you about the sink tidy I bought to go with it, or the new duvet cover.

Mother wanted to go to The Range today - not a place full of cowboys unfortunately, a giant out of town store selling everything and then some. Our nearest such shop is an hour and a half away, but I'm on leave, so off we tootled. The place is on a big retail park, next to a Sainsbury's, so we "popped in" there first, for lunch and some milk....

Some time later we emerged, milk in hand, plus bathroom mats, shower mats and clothes and...
(I bought cake.) She looked at me. Tired. We came home.

That's right we made a three hour round trip to go to Sainbury's supermarket!

But ( this ) happened, so I didn't mind!

:)

I don't know how to arrange these in thoughts or orders, and I could make separate posts, but I don't want to. So:

I got newbossed a while ago, and the new boss started last week. She's new in that she hasn't been the boss before, so she's learning. Old Boss who was supposed to be here to teach her the ropes is in hospital instead and so Mega Boss came in today and stood in. Our office is falling to pieces a little bit, lots of people are off sick with stress and trauma and things aren't getting done and targets are being missed and it's all a mess. So I came in today to find out that a report hadn't been written and could you do something that pretends to be a report now please in order to save the judge having a hissy fit and putting us in the paper. I did it - and New Boss thanked me *twice* and made a note on the record that I'd done it. Old Boss didn't know what 'thank you' was.

Then Mega Boss spent time apologising to me for other work issues!

Old Boss must be spinning in his hospital bed.

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BFF P was told yesterday that she's going to lose her job (or 80% of it) yesterday. It's a long long story and she has been shafted good and proper - but she is devastated. She has a mortgage and has just moved into her home after over a year of turning it from a shell to a beautiful home - now she's facing a future of £70 a week and may have to lose the house. She's in total shock and has no idea what she can do. Her job is very specific and isn't something she can just go and find a new position for - and she's lost. I feel sick every time I think of her situation and I can't help her and it's horrible.

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Other friend went for a job interview yesterday and, although she scored all the points for the post, someone else scored higher and now she has to watch the person who "doesn't really want the job, but it'll be a change" take the position she's desperate for, and continue to work along side her in an admin role. That's crap too.

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Other friend however, is loved up in the extreme and as the relationship is still secret from most people, spends his days writing "she loves me" or "We went for a walk" on post it notes and holding them up for me to read across the desk. Which is equally as tiring as it is sweet.

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Everything I was supposed to do this week - a meal out, a prison visit to Kent, a birthday gathering - has been cancelled. Instead though I had a different meal out, a different birthday visit and spent yesterday evening with my (lost job) friend. Tomorrow I have to go to my brother's and I just want to go to bed and stay there.

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I went to look at my Mum's neighbour's house today and ... well I don't know. It's nice, but I don't like the decor, but it's airy and next to mum, but it has an electric cooker but it has an en suite bathroom, but I'd have to buy a fridge freezer but it has a patio but they're taking the summer house but it has a huge bedroom but it only has two but it has an open fireplace but it's brick.
And my house is nice. And I don't know what to do and whether I can afford it anyway or whether I can afford teh move etc if I can afford the house and it's all very alarming.

I have a man coming to the house to tell me how much it should cost on Friday and then I can panic about the decisions I would have to make then. Then. then.

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I'm tired.
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F is at Chelsea flower show. Have I mentioned that? He and his business partner designed a garden and got into Chelsea and they won a silver medal today. I sent him a text congratulating him and received a :( in response. When I queried this, his only answer was "I wanted a gold"

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I still very much like White Collar and I shall go and watch an episode now to calm my mind.

I love my new laptop, but I don't love new Mozilla. It doesn't restore tabs, the lj add on doesn't work and I can have either access to my emails OR ad block, not both. BOO.

And it's so cold in here that my fingers are almost too cold to type, I fell asleep doing the crossword at Mum's and woke up in time to come home, so so much for keeping her company!

Erm, the hire car was an Audi and I didn't like it, but the journey too and from the prison was bright and somehow restful. I recalled a man to prison today and dragged another one from his foul mood by mickey-take pouting like you do with small children.

I got a letter from the bank, trumpeting their delight that my super duper high interest account has paid me (wow)68p over the year and aren't I lucky, and another from the credit card company reminding me that I bought a new lap top at the weekend *and* four new tyres for my MOT and owe, well, significantly more than 68p!

And that's enough for now.

Went to see Legally Blonde (the musical) yesterday - and it was such a fun show. Lively and very well staged - loved the UPS man, Pauletta the hairdresser and the dogs! Very funny. Good to see my friend too, we had dinner at Carluccio's first and then chilled at the theatre.

Slightly soured when I came home at 11pm and then spent the remainder of the evening trying to block out the activity across the road - remember the 'is the drunk man in the house ok' shananigans in the the snow a couple of weeks ago? Well soon after I got home there were ambulances and Police cars outside doing their thing. Unfortunately it appeared to be a similar thing to when we lost Dad - ie very little ambulance activity but an awful lot of waiting. So now I deduce that someone in the house passed away last night - and I spent the night trying to repress memories.

Reverting to more positive news - (or should I say bizarre) Mum received a cheque yesterday for £50 from the Co-Op Insurance. "In compensation for your complaint" - no letter, no apology, just a cheque for £50 and the above statement. I was on the point of sending a third complaint (after the first complaint, they sent a letter (saying only "we have your complaint, we think it is about...") addressed to Dad, I returned it with an additional complaint letter - they then sent a letter (saying "we can't answer your complaint yet") addressed to Mum on the envelope, but headed Dear Mr W...") I have to say that £50 isn't unwelcome, but there is still no way I'd touch Co-Op services with a barge pole in future!

Woke up feeling sad, and tired, and ill. Not the best start and not a strong foundation. Work was, there was nothing that happened as such, but I felt ill and out of place. I dealt with everything, but then I was getting ready to interview and since we've moved offices everything's changed - before we had a report, we were given a file and everything else we needed was saved onto the computer under their name - now, well now there's no tellingwhere anything will be, it seems to depend upon whichever individual processed it, Norfolk people are saved in Suffolk, have teh systems are inaccessible and... anyway, I went into the other room to ask my colleagues for help. I'm wheezing 'cos I'm still ill. I explain my query and someone comments on my lack of voice, next thing I know, I'm crying. And can't stop. I disappear into the loos for a while, wash my face, come out - sit at my desk and find I'm just sitting there crying. Thankfully, one of my colleagues just came over to me, took the file for the imminent report from me and told me to go home.

I drove around for an hour - just crying and driving before I eventually went home.

Home, where I had lunch - and broke my tooth on a bread roll.

So then followed emergency dentistry - which regulars amongst you will know I don't do well. Dentist "AW!"ing at me as I lay there shaking, crying ('cos I hadn't leaked salt water enough today) and making embarassing squeaky noises.

I now have a headache, toothache and screwy sinusses. Today sucked.

For a meeting and maybe a couple of hours is all. I went to see Doc this morning and he wanted to sign me off longer, but I need to go back to work now. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to and I cried ater speaking to the HR, and feel sick whenever I think of it, but if I don't go back soon I won't be able to. And as I haven't won the lottery I cannot live without a job, therefore needs must. My doctor was lovely though.

I have an appointmnet with a link worker on the 30th - how quickly works the nhs - and I'm not really sure what it's for, to 'assess' and see what help I need. I need all this not to have happened, but I guess that's an unreasonable request.

Anyhoo. Work. I shall be on some kind of phased return - a meeting with my line manager tomorrow (I've been reverted back to my old line manager in my absence. Not sure how he'll feel about that, but I think I've been deemed too fragile to cope with a new line manager right now, especially one who is retiring at Easter.) and a meeting wth HR on Thursday. I probably shan't go in other than that this week.

My biggest dilemma/issue is whether I can/want to continue the group delivery work.

( me trying to make straight my thoughts and worries about group work. It's a confusing mess to me so is best avoided. ).

What else. I have been sleeping at home for a week now. I've been sleeping at home, pottering about in the mornings and then coming up to Mum's for the rest of the day/evening. Obviously when I return to work full time she will then be alone all day. I hate it. Mum and Dad were those couple that went everywhere together, sat together in the evenings, held hands when they walked anywhere. I hate her being alone so much. She, of course, says "she's fine" and "will manage" and "I'm not going to ruin your life, girly." but then she talks to other people and says how she hates the quiet and how long the evenings are when she's on her own and how dreadful it is.

And see, I know time is the great healer and she will get used to his absence, and being alone and all the rest of it but in the meantime I cry in my car after I leave her each night.

And the other thing is her health - that's not going to get better - and I know that, unless she reaches a stage that needs hospital type care, I will have to move in with her eventually to look after her. And I wonder if it wouldn't be better to just do that now - rather than waiting till later? - which brings with it huge questions aboutr finance and funding and buying her house and cats and ... oh.

These are the things that go round and round and round my mind. It's no wonder I can't sleep. Although, if I catch the sleeping pill at a time when I have a restful mind - ie I stop reading at exactly the right time, then I can catch a few hours.

I've been trying to organise scattering Dad's ashes, and Mum's Benefits, and Dad's bank accounts and they're all being shitty. Oh! And I had a woman tell me that week that I was "Just being awkward" when I phoned for the FIFTH time to chase a refund that had supposedly been issued 5 weeks ago!

Hurrah! I have a new phone This one. Isn't it pretty?

Also, after two days of repeated attempts, I finally got the broken phone to recognise teh usb cable and managed to rescue 3 years' worth of photographs. So I'm doubly happy.

I'm refusing to think about tomorrow.