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Sep. 17th, 2008 11:34 pmI had a long conversation with a colleague today about my scary offender and the way he makes me feel. It was helpful, 'cos I was focussing on the creepy scariness of him and hadn't allowed myself to look at the real issues - issues of not wanting him to beat me. Not wanting to reinforce his ideals of women as weak, not wanting to admit to myself that I am intimidated by him and don't know how to work with him, not wanting to give in. The fact that my new boss reacted with laughter has made me feel that I'm overeacting and showing weakness.
I hate it, because whatever the outcome now, it's negative.
At the moment I am thinking about him every day,I am scared of him and I create scenarios of what could happen. I worry about bumping into him in the street and I fret about him when I go to bed - none of that is helpful. I feelsick the days I know I have to see him and don't sleepwell the night before. It makes me feel weak and feeble. Not knowing what to do with him makes me feel (God I hate this word) disempowered. He is (another one I hate) deskilling me. If I carry on working with him this will be the norm. I don't want that.
If I speak to my boss (again) and actually explicitly refuse to work with him any longer, then I am going to feel that I have failed. That I lack the ability to work with the dangerous offenders. I will feel that all the good 'press' that Pauline gave me will have been wiped out by this failure. I'm still going to feel scared about seeing the guy in the corridors and weakened by the whole affair.
It pisses me off because whilst I know lots of these emotions are self inflicted and linked to my low self esteem issues, I also know that P would have listened to me on day 1 and would have immediately stated that I shouldn't be working with him. She would have validated my concerns instead of mocked them, and I wouldn't be left feeling so shite.
Gah.
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I hate it, because whatever the outcome now, it's negative.
At the moment I am thinking about him every day,I am scared of him and I create scenarios of what could happen. I worry about bumping into him in the street and I fret about him when I go to bed - none of that is helpful. I feelsick the days I know I have to see him and don't sleepwell the night before. It makes me feel weak and feeble. Not knowing what to do with him makes me feel (God I hate this word) disempowered. He is (another one I hate) deskilling me. If I carry on working with him this will be the norm. I don't want that.
If I speak to my boss (again) and actually explicitly refuse to work with him any longer, then I am going to feel that I have failed. That I lack the ability to work with the dangerous offenders. I will feel that all the good 'press' that Pauline gave me will have been wiped out by this failure. I'm still going to feel scared about seeing the guy in the corridors and weakened by the whole affair.
It pisses me off because whilst I know lots of these emotions are self inflicted and linked to my low self esteem issues, I also know that P would have listened to me on day 1 and would have immediately stated that I shouldn't be working with him. She would have validated my concerns instead of mocked them, and I wouldn't be left feeling so shite.
Gah.
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