Feeling insecure

I'm feeling isolated from my friends, feeling ousted and scared. The trigger for this is a silly thing, linked to something that always happens whenever F is back in town and therefore I know it should be ignored, but today it's getting to me - and in the classic cycle of negative thinking,I'm sitting here telling myself bad things about myself and the way my life is and -

normally I accept it, but sometimes the changes since we lost Dad, my new role as carer/manager of all things and the fact that it means all I ever do is work and visit my Mum, and am a kin dof non person, boring and with nothing to contribute really gets to me.

And it's

Oh I don't know. It's because he's back and when he's back I lose his sister and it all gets scary and sad and I'm going to go to bed instead of feeling sorry for myself.

Ripper Street

I watched the first ten minutes of the first episode today and I thought it was all a bit of a blur and I probably wouldn't bother overly much. And then it was the suddenly the end of the second episode and the next one isn't on for another hour and I find myself impatient.

It's got Jerome Flynn in it. When I worked in London back in the days of Soldier Soldier I used to daydream about him coming into my shop (I worked in a plus size women's clothes shop, so I'd imagine he was shopping for clothes for a role - I was very much younger). I used to love Soldier Soldier. It was my first fandoming with another person. This was before the internet, or even mobile phones, but my friend (who was in Manchester at the time) would watch the show, then phone each other to squeak about it. I used to rps him and Robson before I even knew what that was. And Mary Sue them too. (Daydreaming was a lot more fun before you realised you were doing a thing. I once sat on my floor, watching a version of Frankenstein (the one where the monster could talk and was beautiful before he stopped being beautiful and it was very sad), wrapping my Christmas presents, while imagining that Robson and Jerome were sitting on my bed behind me and cuddling for the first time.)

Anyway. He is in it and has a beard and looks very much better. He disappeared for a while and I occasionally pictured him being sad while Robson soared into fame and every show on earth. Jerome was an animal lover and I wonder if he's sad that Robson does fishing. I probably still have their cd somewhere.

None of this is in anyway going to make you like Ripper Street. Well the beardy Jerome might. It is very much of the ilk of RDJ's Holmes, even to the extent of Jerome bareknuckle boxing in the first one. But it kind of works nonetheless. There's talk of the Pinkerton detectives, the birth of forensic investigation and cuts that make it feel more graphic than it is. I think I shall like it.