I committed SPN.
May. 29th, 2008 10:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lolabobsTiny little snippet, and I don't think any of my flisters will want to look, 'cos it's barely a cple of hundred words, and it involves Daddy issues. But .
He wonders sometimes if it's a demonic thing. This want, this need between them. A part of something greater, a symbol of some evil spirit, game-playing and taunting them. He doesn't understand how something so bad can feel so good, how something so tainted can restore him and make him whole again.
He knows it's wrong, knows how people would look at him if they knew, Hell, knows how he would look at himself if he were another man; knows how it would burn if the touch were turned toward Sammy. He feels the truth of it; tastes it on his tongue even in the midst of his salvation.
Yet - when he's there, when it's happening and he feels the pulse of pain throb and turn into poisonous pleasure... When the sweat trickles between his shoulder blades, a cold shiver amongst the heat... When he feels the heavy hand resting on his neck, calming and soothing... It's then that he feels most human, most alive.
Most loved.
It's then, when he can't stop himself from breathing "Daddy", and the word shatters his father. When the broken gasps are punctuated with "Son" and "Sorry", and once, with the cold shock of tears. It's then that he knows John loves him. Knows he is valued. Knows his strength. When he sees dark, shadowed eyes searching his own for hatred and forgiveness; yet gives only love.
That's when he feels his power, when he realises how the pieces of him fit and hold his world together.
He wonders sometimes if it's a demonic thing. This want, this need between them. A part of something greater, a symbol of some evil spirit, game-playing and taunting them. He doesn't understand how something so bad can feel so good, how something so tainted can restore him and make him whole again.
He knows it's wrong, knows how people would look at him if they knew, Hell, knows how he would look at himself if he were another man; knows how it would burn if the touch were turned toward Sammy. He feels the truth of it; tastes it on his tongue even in the midst of his salvation.
Yet - when he's there, when it's happening and he feels the pulse of pain throb and turn into poisonous pleasure... When the sweat trickles between his shoulder blades, a cold shiver amongst the heat... When he feels the heavy hand resting on his neck, calming and soothing... It's then that he feels most human, most alive.
Most loved.
It's then, when he can't stop himself from breathing "Daddy", and the word shatters his father. When the broken gasps are punctuated with "Son" and "Sorry", and once, with the cold shock of tears. It's then that he knows John loves him. Knows he is valued. Knows his strength. When he sees dark, shadowed eyes searching his own for hatred and forgiveness; yet gives only love.
That's when he feels his power, when he realises how the pieces of him fit and hold his world together.
