I shall be going back to work tomorrow.
Jan. 16th, 2012 04:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lolabobsFor a meeting and maybe a couple of hours is all. I went to see Doc this morning and he wanted to sign me off longer, but I need to go back to work now. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to and I cried ater speaking to the HR, and feel sick whenever I think of it, but if I don't go back soon I won't be able to. And as I haven't won the lottery I cannot live without a job, therefore needs must. My doctor was lovely though.
I have an appointmnet with a link worker on the 30th - how quickly works the nhs - and I'm not really sure what it's for, to 'assess' and see what help I need. I need all this not to have happened, but I guess that's an unreasonable request.
Anyhoo. Work. I shall be on some kind of phased return - a meeting with my line manager tomorrow (I've been reverted back to my old line manager in my absence. Not sure how he'll feel about that, but I think I've been deemed too fragile to cope with a new line manager right now, especially one who is retiring at Easter.) and a meeting wth HR on Thursday. I probably shan't go in other than that this week.
My biggest dilemma/issue is whether I can/want to continue the group delivery work.
Group:
Cons: means working late (till 9 two nights a week), in Norwich (an hours drive away). It means working as a group tutor, ie for 3 hours standing in front of and teaching a group of sex offenders. Having to be alert and on the ball for those 3 hours. It is mentally demanding/destructive. The group sessions themselves can be good, but I find the whole idea of them horribly stressful, even before this happened. The Treatment Manager is abrupt and freaky and has no interpersonal skills. I know she will make me feel bad about the time I have had off and if I leave. Doing this role means doing two different jobs, with differing demands and eats into my time as OM. Doing two roles over 3 offices was driving me nuts before and I don't know thatI can face it right now.
Pros:It means working only Mon to Thurs with long weekends as my hours fit into the four days. It means going home at the end of the day and not having to think of anything alse as the group is the group and that is that. The team are great and very supportive(except Treatment Manager.) Doing the split role gives me slack periods when I can catch up with OM work. OM work is horribly horribly stressful and with so many people leaving it will get worse, group will give me a break from this.
I don't want to do group anymore. BUT I'm 'directed' to do it (although I think my GP would recommend that I be released 'cos of my current stress - although I'm not sure how that would look on my record). There's also uncertainty about my job, and the Group bit is deemed the safest bit of it, so if I left I could be reducing my job security. I've been kind of wanting to stop group for a long time now and feel bad about 'using' Dad's death to get out of it. I don't know what the consequences of leaving would be for me and I am sad to let down my group work colleagues. But I hate it.
.
What else. I have been sleeping at home for a week now. I've been sleeping at home, pottering about in the mornings and then coming up to Mum's for the rest of the day/evening. Obviously when I return to work full time she will then be alone all day. I hate it. Mum and Dad were those couple that went everywhere together, sat together in the evenings, held hands when they walked anywhere. I hate her being alone so much. She, of course, says "she's fine" and "will manage" and "I'm not going to ruin your life, girly." but then she talks to other people and says how she hates the quiet and how long the evenings are when she's on her own and how dreadful it is.
And see, I know time is the great healer and she will get used to his absence, and being alone and all the rest of it but in the meantime I cry in my car after I leave her each night.
And the other thing is her health - that's not going to get better - and I know that, unless she reaches a stage that needs hospital type care, I will have to move in with her eventually to look after her. And I wonder if it wouldn't be better to just do that now - rather than waiting till later? - which brings with it huge questions aboutr finance and funding and buying her house and cats and ... oh.
These are the things that go round and round and round my mind. It's no wonder I can't sleep. Although, if I catch the sleeping pill at a time when I have a restful mind - ie I stop reading at exactly the right time, then I can catch a few hours.
I've been trying to organise scattering Dad's ashes, and Mum's Benefits, and Dad's bank accounts and they're all being shitty. Oh! And I had a woman tell me that week that I was "Just being awkward" when I phoned for the FIFTH time to chase a refund that had supposedly been issued 5 weeks ago!
I have an appointmnet with a link worker on the 30th - how quickly works the nhs - and I'm not really sure what it's for, to 'assess' and see what help I need. I need all this not to have happened, but I guess that's an unreasonable request.
Anyhoo. Work. I shall be on some kind of phased return - a meeting with my line manager tomorrow (I've been reverted back to my old line manager in my absence. Not sure how he'll feel about that, but I think I've been deemed too fragile to cope with a new line manager right now, especially one who is retiring at Easter.) and a meeting wth HR on Thursday. I probably shan't go in other than that this week.
My biggest dilemma/issue is whether I can/want to continue the group delivery work.
Group:
Cons: means working late (till 9 two nights a week), in Norwich (an hours drive away). It means working as a group tutor, ie for 3 hours standing in front of and teaching a group of sex offenders. Having to be alert and on the ball for those 3 hours. It is mentally demanding/destructive. The group sessions themselves can be good, but I find the whole idea of them horribly stressful, even before this happened. The Treatment Manager is abrupt and freaky and has no interpersonal skills. I know she will make me feel bad about the time I have had off and if I leave. Doing this role means doing two different jobs, with differing demands and eats into my time as OM. Doing two roles over 3 offices was driving me nuts before and I don't know thatI can face it right now.
Pros:It means working only Mon to Thurs with long weekends as my hours fit into the four days. It means going home at the end of the day and not having to think of anything alse as the group is the group and that is that. The team are great and very supportive(except Treatment Manager.) Doing the split role gives me slack periods when I can catch up with OM work. OM work is horribly horribly stressful and with so many people leaving it will get worse, group will give me a break from this.
I don't want to do group anymore. BUT I'm 'directed' to do it (although I think my GP would recommend that I be released 'cos of my current stress - although I'm not sure how that would look on my record). There's also uncertainty about my job, and the Group bit is deemed the safest bit of it, so if I left I could be reducing my job security. I've been kind of wanting to stop group for a long time now and feel bad about 'using' Dad's death to get out of it. I don't know what the consequences of leaving would be for me and I am sad to let down my group work colleagues. But I hate it.
.
What else. I have been sleeping at home for a week now. I've been sleeping at home, pottering about in the mornings and then coming up to Mum's for the rest of the day/evening. Obviously when I return to work full time she will then be alone all day. I hate it. Mum and Dad were those couple that went everywhere together, sat together in the evenings, held hands when they walked anywhere. I hate her being alone so much. She, of course, says "she's fine" and "will manage" and "I'm not going to ruin your life, girly." but then she talks to other people and says how she hates the quiet and how long the evenings are when she's on her own and how dreadful it is.
And see, I know time is the great healer and she will get used to his absence, and being alone and all the rest of it but in the meantime I cry in my car after I leave her each night.
And the other thing is her health - that's not going to get better - and I know that, unless she reaches a stage that needs hospital type care, I will have to move in with her eventually to look after her. And I wonder if it wouldn't be better to just do that now - rather than waiting till later? - which brings with it huge questions aboutr finance and funding and buying her house and cats and ... oh.
These are the things that go round and round and round my mind. It's no wonder I can't sleep. Although, if I catch the sleeping pill at a time when I have a restful mind - ie I stop reading at exactly the right time, then I can catch a few hours.
I've been trying to organise scattering Dad's ashes, and Mum's Benefits, and Dad's bank accounts and they're all being shitty. Oh! And I had a woman tell me that week that I was "Just being awkward" when I phoned for the FIFTH time to chase a refund that had supposedly been issued 5 weeks ago!
