I've been where you've been before and think I know very much what you are feeling. I'm actually quite close to there right now, so I just hope what I'm about to type doesn't make you feel even more depressed.
The line that really hit me hard was your "all I ever do is work and visit my Mum, and am a kind of non person, boring and with nothing to contribute really gets to me." Just typing that was worthwhile because it reminds me that I'm not the only one feeling lonely and worthless. My life is much like your only that you have a valuable job that at least theoretically helps keep society safe from the awful people reporting to you. Not to mention what you're doing with your mom is important. It isn't glamorous and exciting but it's valuable and it is exactly the sort of thing the world needs more of.
In my case, my job boils down to "taking up space." I have very few duties other than reading the mail, paying the bills on time, and answering the phone the handful of times it rings each week. The rest of the time I sit at my desk and feel guilty for getting paid to fart around the internet when so many of my friends are struggling to find work, to pay their bills, or suffering under abusive work situations.
When I come home from work I sit on the couch and tell myself I ought to exercise or at least get up and go for a walk, but instead I turn on the tv and return to the internet for a while. After I've reassured myself I haven't missed anything important, I'll attempt to look through my mail and, if I'm extremely lucky, not feel overwhelmed by the amount of mail I'm behind on and I'll feel awake enough to concentrate on it. I'm cursed with an inexhaustible supply of curiosity but next to no mathematical ability and a very poor grasp of scientific principles, so even though what I want to do is make the world a better place all I really know how to is is watch tv, fart around on the internet, and knit. Even the charity knitting worries me as I wonder if filling the world with more clothes and/or pet beds is really worthwhile. There is already so much stuff in the world and most of the people I know already have more objects than they need. I don't understand fashion at all -- clothes and shoes and make-up are completely uninteresting to me and I don't know why so many people love having new clothes. I'd be perfectly happy owning two pairs of jeans, three pairs of shoes, a dozen t-shirts and one good dress. I'd also need a few coats and sweaters and hats & gloves, but that's it. Department store advertisements appear in my mailbox several times each week and I totally don't get it -- that desire to buy, buy, buy. I want to make the world a better place and I just don't know how to do it.
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Date: 2013-01-14 01:23 am (UTC)I've been where you've been before and think I know very much what you are feeling. I'm actually quite close to there right now, so I just hope what I'm about to type doesn't make you feel even more depressed.
The line that really hit me hard was your "all I ever do is work and visit my Mum, and am a kind of non person, boring and with nothing to contribute really gets to me." Just typing that was worthwhile because it reminds me that I'm not the only one feeling lonely and worthless. My life is much like your only that you have a valuable job that at least theoretically helps keep society safe from the awful people reporting to you. Not to mention what you're doing with your mom is important. It isn't glamorous and exciting but it's valuable and it is exactly the sort of thing the world needs more of.
In my case, my job boils down to "taking up space." I have very few duties other than reading the mail, paying the bills on time, and answering the phone the handful of times it rings each week. The rest of the time I sit at my desk and feel guilty for getting paid to fart around the internet when so many of my friends are struggling to find work, to pay their bills, or suffering under abusive work situations.
When I come home from work I sit on the couch and tell myself I ought to exercise or at least get up and go for a walk, but instead I turn on the tv and return to the internet for a while. After I've reassured myself I haven't missed anything important, I'll attempt to look through my mail and, if I'm extremely lucky, not feel overwhelmed by the amount of mail I'm behind on and I'll feel awake enough to concentrate on it. I'm cursed with an inexhaustible supply of curiosity but next to no mathematical ability and a very poor grasp of scientific principles, so even though what I want to do is make the world a better place all I really know how to is is watch tv, fart around on the internet, and knit. Even the charity knitting worries me as I wonder if filling the world with more clothes and/or pet beds is really worthwhile. There is already so much stuff in the world and most of the people I know already have more objects than they need. I don't understand fashion at all -- clothes and shoes and make-up are completely uninteresting to me and I don't know why so many people love having new clothes. I'd be perfectly happy owning two pairs of jeans, three pairs of shoes, a dozen t-shirts and one good dress. I'd also need a few coats and sweaters and hats & gloves, but that's it. Department store advertisements appear in my mailbox several times each week and I totally don't get it -- that desire to buy, buy, buy. I want to make the world a better place and I just don't know how to do it.
Hugs, virtual tea, and tons of love.