lolabobs: (angels)
I live in a seaside town, and the seagulls have their babies on the local rooftops every year. A few years ago there was a baby wandering round the road after it fell from the nest and, for a brief period of time, the street was adorned with small bowls of food and water outside every other door - which warmed the heart. Until someone shot it.

Today, there was a dead seagull atop my car. It showed no signs of injury, no wounds, but was (apparently, I made Mother go look when she visited) just dead on the car, with food in its mouth. I don't know what kills seagulls, if it could be natural causes, or if someone has poisoned it. The roof above has a dead chick on it. Not sure whether poison killed both, or whether the parent gull died and the chick died as a result. Further distressing me, is the fact that I can't be sure if there is another chick on the roof, (it's too dark to see, I spotted something that might be just as dusk was settling, there was nothing noticeable all day.) And if it is, I don't know if it's now abandoned or if the other parent seagull is tending it. Do they care in pairs? There are so many seagulls in the street, it's impossible to tell if any sounds are coming from a chick on that roof, or one of the others. It's unsettling me.

I'm also unsettled as I don't know whether I should go to work tomorrow. Realistically, I don't think I should. I would have to leave for a 90 minute drive for a morning's training, leaving at 7.30am, before moving on to a prison visit (more driving) in the afternoon. I'm still exhausted, have had two naps today and feel bleurgh. So, logically, I know I shouldn't even be thinking about it. BUT I no longer feel like death, so feel guilty at being absent on sick. Plus I will have to phone in sick tomorrow and still struggle under the thought if you call in sick you should *sound* sick.

It's stupid. I won't have the energy to do a day's travelling. I am still worn out, I have some residual pain and I am wan. it is very unlikely that I shall go in, but I shall not sleep fretting about it, and I shall feel sick until I call, and guilty after I do. You can see why I have never ever 'pulled a sickie' in my life, can't you.

I just feel bleurgh in general today.

Oh, but to end on a positive note, I watched Raymond Blanc tonight and he is soooo slashy. He has a chef mini me assistant. (Sous chef? I don't know his rank) called Adam (Although Raymond pronounces it all French and sweet and A-dam) and they have a fun relationship. But today Raymond was chasing him with a spritzy water bottle. And then, as if this little bromance with Adam isn't enough, he went to an Australian butcher and whilst they were carving up some beef, the butcher was saying how the clavicle was "just the right shape to spank a french chef" and how he would like Raymond there "all the time to hold my meat." Later they were drinking beer together, with Raymond asking "Why is yours bigger than mine".

So there's that.
lolabobs: (Default)
The sky keeps rumbling like it has indigestion.

There are neighbours on the corner of the street involved in an altercation. When I arrived home they were standing there in some kind of four way stand off. Then they made peace, then they started shouting, then they threatened to call the police, now they're yelling, then they stop. Someone is now alternating between yelling "F*ck you" and "I love you" and it's horribly unsettling. This is also the house with the person that I had to do an induction for at work, so I'm doubly disconcerted.

I've been feeling rubbish all week, very low - that kind of oppressive mist of melancholy and apathy.

So I've spent all week putting off booking a hair cut - which means when I did book, the only free slot was at 8.45 tomorrow. I hate mornings!

I had other plans for the week, diy plans, or cupboard sorting or... and all I've done is sit under my duvet reading, or sorting things at mother's. We got rid of a spare wardrobe yesterday, and two record players of Dad's - which makes me feel pointlessly guilty.

I watched tv too. H50 was ridiculous, having abandoned any degree of plausibility, but most of it enjoyably so. SPN )
Oh and that sitcom,is it Partners? I've deleted the episodes so I can't remember, but the pilot was awful (in a sweet and desperately sad way) and yet I've watched the subsequent two episodes and they've gotten better and it's working and yes. Oh and TBBT, I watched that too, but that's been a bit meh. It sounds as if I've watched loads of telly, but apart from GBBO, that's all I've watched.

I love GBBO, Everything about it (except Brendan), even the close ups of snails. Sainsbury's sell merchandise for the show, and GBBO looks rather uncouth, especially lain against bucolic countryside backgrounds as it is.

We went to Sainsbury's and bought cakes. They were on an offer and so we had three each (for the week not just one day.) Mum bought 3 of the same cake, I went for variety. Consequently Mum had three eclairs to eat, reliable and consistent. I had three different cakes, none of which were in the slightest bit nice.

The neighbours are still shouting.
lolabobs: (wibble)
I'm in a mega grump tonight. I'm sitting here and frowning at the lap top and...

Things that could be making me grumpy - I had a meal out with my friend from work tonight. It was nice, on the whole we had a nice chat and a nice meal but (there's always a but isn't there) he's the one who's in a shiny new relationship. They're now at the talking coyly about marriage stage, they just bought a car together and he's really really happy. And I love that. I do I do I do. Just. Dear God, stop telling me how unhappy I must be. Don't feel sorry for me and don't tell offer me condolences on my single status. STOP IT.

Work is awful too. I got a report dumped on me, and having to write it means my planned day off tomorrow is cancelled. Also; I was on office duty today. This is supposed to be done in pairs but my partner took the day off without getting cover, so I had to do everything myself. This meant that I had to do an induction with a new offender. Who it turns out lives approximately 5 doors away from me in my street. Seriously unhappy about this, it means that an offender now knows where I live and can pass that info on should he so wish. Seriously not happy.

I'm tired and I feel weepy and yuk.

And all of that is making me grumpy, but I also know it's because I am thinking of booking to see Our Boys in Londahn tahn. And I want to go and I don't want to go and I will now feel bad if I do or don't go. Whichever outcome will lead me to stress and either annoyance at not going or stress at going and just pah. It will probably be a passing fancy. I don't know.

Ooh I'm a grumpy sausage.
lolabobs: (Default)
I got my appointment today for the hospital about the lump in my breast - which is astonishingly quick seeing as I only went to the doc on Friday. The appointment is for the 3rd July, which is also very quick. Part of me is pleased that this is so soon and I can get it looked into - the rest of me is thinking, this is the UK, hospital appts take forever, why is it so quick...

And so, I have another hospital apt, which will require time from work - today I found out I have to have a sickness review meeting with HR - they were going to ambush me with it tomorrow at 10am, but I found out and it has been postponed for a few days. I'm really cross that they set me up in that way. But I'm also really peeved that they have decided it is necessary. Supposedly we work on a rolling 12 month period, with the expectation that 6 sick absences (try saying that quickly!) triggers a review. I have had 4 absences, 2 for issues linked to my acid/ulcer, 1 the endoscopy from Thursday, again linked to the acid and the time I had off following Dad's loss. I'm so angry and it feels very unfair. I shall find out what they have to say when it happens I suppose, but I hope to make it clear how I feel about them springing it on me, with no formal notification.

I say hope, because I went to talk to the boss, when I found out about the meeting today and ended up in tears because everything is getting too much for me at the moment. So annoying when that happens.

The solicitor came about Mum's will this morning though (more time out of the office, flexi not sick though), that's happening and underway now, so I suppose that's something ticked off.

I haven't told Mum about the HR thing, or the boob thing. I don't want to stress her out - or to have to deal with her stress. I'm freaking about the health possibilities, not even so much because of omg!Health Possibilities, but because of - well, I'm Mum's carer, I can't be ill. And who would drive me to the appointments etc and how and where and etc etc etc - although most of the time I dive into The Nile, because I don't want to cross those bridges unless I have to.

It's all just... y'know. Too fucking much to do, not enough time and no bloody energy.
lolabobs: (Default)
Floating around the internet, trying to distract myself from, well, everything really, I clicked on careers advice. Looking for some sort of magic wand or fairy Godmother to say "tada!!! Here's a job you could do that earns the same and yet you won't have to spend your days in confrontation and in contact with offenders and bosses who can make you feel shit in 5 minutes flat. (Bosses for example who have to be reminded that no, I didn't hide in GY for three months after our merger, I was off on sick leave after losing my father)" (I admit that would be quite a long TaDa sort of Fairy Godmother statement, but it's my fantasy so there.)

Anyway. I click on the Govt careers site and follow their 'click our easy questions to check your skill set' option. And I'm stymied right away. First question is about qualifications. Apparently though, they score this in levels now - and I don't mean A or O levels, levels one to eight - but it's okay, I can click onto another guide. (After all why would they make this an easy process?) - still, I think, it's only another click, I'll identify my level and go back to the flow chart. But nope, no O levels there either, lots of BTEC and so VQs, but seemingly the world of qualifications (in Govt career land anyway) doesn't converse in Degrees, Masters or A levels anymore.

I gave up. Perhaps had I persevered I would have found my way to a high class, well paid, low stress job that only the determined and inventive and adaptive deserve. As it is I shall spend my day being put down by an arsehole boss who thinks it useful to tell me I'm odd and put him on edge and by offenders whose aim is to dominate and humiliate me.

And if I'm really lucky I can spend my nights dreaming about it too.
lolabobs: (Default)
I'm not coping brilliantly with things at the moment. I am on the surface, jolly, jokey Lola at work and play - but it's hard right now. I'm sleeping appallingly - this last week my dreams have been classic anxiety dreams (Why can't I dream about Steve and Danno every night, huh?) - So I'm lost, can't find my way, find myself in situations with everyone staring at me, or doing things wrong, or falling... all very cliche, classic stuff.

Cut for those who don't need to hear it )So yesterday I cried, I went and bought myself the H50 boxset, despite its ludicrous price, then I went to bed at 4pm.



OH! But I have a lovely blue spider! Thank you [livejournal.com profile] elfinessy He's so cute!
lolabobs: (Default)
This seems such a pettywhinge but it feels huge and so I'm going to moan about it anyway.

Work. Whenever isn't it.

I cut this 'cos it's a lot of whiniging about a seating plan which is incredibly minor in teh grand scheme of things but is looming large in my stressed little world, but which no one deserves to have to read and is as much about venting and trying not to cry at work as it anything else. )

Mother has taken to responding to any of my moans with "Oh well, you'll just have to cope we come up on the lottery." As a coping strategy this leaves a lotto be desired!


I started watching onnotheydidn't because someone linked to a post I found interestng, I came back fonight to what felt like 3000 entries on my flist, I couldn't make it stop being there so I unjoined. Hindsight made me realise this is exactly what I did about a year ago when I couldn't cope then either!

That last point was obviously completely unrelated to my previous. I think I should go to bed.
lolabobs: (Default)
I'm going back to work tomorrow after a fortnight off. I've been feeling very angry the last few days and I was trying to blame it on some wierd PMS thing even though I never ger M to be pre about. But I suppose it's obvious that it's work. Today when I've allowed myself to actively think about it instead of doing my headinthesandDENYDENYDENY thing I've felt sick every time I've considered it. So yes. If my headinthesandDENYDENYDENY thing wasn't so effective I'd have realised earlier what was making me a grumpy bitch from hell.

Although to be fair, I think my car battery dying on me and leaving me stranded on a petrol forecourt would have peeved me whatever.

That aside though, it isn't healthy to feel angry and resentful of one's workplace is it. I need a new job and as there's nothing I can do that would pay the same as I get now I'm kinda stuck with it.

I need a lottery win.

I've been struggling with the need for retail therapy all day, in the old days my initial ploy of wearing skanky indoors clothes and not leaving the house would have been adequate; in the age of the interwebs not so much. Still I resisted for much of the day and then, when I did succumb I managed to limit myself to a few books on Amazon instead of the new camera I want so much. £23 versus a couple of hundred.

I'll take my victories where I can get them.
lolabobs: (cry steve)
Well, most people I would imagine, but at least I've been educated a little this week!

~~~

What else has happened this week?

I won the hypocrisy award at work - talking to offenders variously about a) not staying in a job that makes you miserable if you could do things to change it b) expressing the way you feel c) not burying your head in the sand about financial issues or problems and d) inappropriate coping strategies.

But what the hey, I haven't sexually abused anyone, so I still win.

~~~

Why is it winter in June in Lowestoft?
lolabobs: (Default)
Stupid creepy dreams all night.

And an interlude where there was a significant food shortage/rationing/starvation; so I spent ridiculous amounts of money on a chinese takeaway, which I gave to my cats.

priorities.


Then I woke at 5 having toiled through the night with threat and fear and so on, and I've been awake ever since, my eyes have bags of enormous magnitude and I have to go back to work.

Urglesplurgle.

Hullo...

Feb. 27th, 2011 10:29 pm
lolabobs: (Default)
So, My cat has a poorly tail, so we had a fight over trying to sort it and now I have a poorly arm and booby. Hopefully neither of my apendages will go mouldy and infected!

My 6 month temporary direction has been extended until October. I'm still having mixed feelings about doing the job forever, but October is doable and obviously whilst they direct me I still get transport paid for. The best bit for me though is the letter which makes a point of saying "Temporary" direction. STandard direction means that once a certain period is up they can stop paying my transport but still make me go. Temporary means they can't make me stay there. I don't think I want to stay there forever.

I've kind of signed up for Sky internet etc etc , but now I'm having second thoughts because there's a download limit that the guy didn't make fully clear beforehand. He has assured me that it will be enough for my internet habits, but I'm not sure that I trust him. Is there a way of telling what your download is? How many bytes is a "G"? If my internet counter thingie says I've received 38,910,080 bytes does that mean I've downloaded that much? How many g is that? I know I'm stupid.
lolabobs: (Default)
I'm overtired and therefore overly emotional.

Busy days ahead, and three, maybe four meals out this week One of which is my 'birthday' meal - a week early in the hopes of people actually being free to come along. Christmas Eve birthdays are rubbish. Would be parents, don't have sex on 20th March.

One person less than planned coming out on my meal, text yesterday to say she doesn't want to go to the restaurant we've chosen, so won't be coming. Put like that it sounds so reasonable, but there's such a history attached that it's just left me feeling so cross and dismissed. Pretty much camel/last straw scenario y'know. Ah well, she can be odd and rude and so we'll get by without her.

But I'm sleepless and tetchy and am torn between counting the days off 'til Christmas and the break that comes with it, or to dread the rush rush rushing of the passing days without the completion of associated tasks.

And Anita has started her chemo and has cut her hair into a bob in anticipation and it looks great, but is suprisingly triggery for me and the picture I've just seen has left me tearful, and well fearful I guess. This has been a shitty year for so many people. Next year *has* to be better, surely? I need to feel that and not just hope it.

I think I should go to bed.
lolabobs: (Default)
I'm beginning to get overwhelmed by the thought of Christmas - the present thing, I have *no* spare money and have no idea where presents are going to come from. But I'm also getting stressed by the social demands - my diary is filling up already, christmas meals, (I have to do everything twice now, two teams = two of everything!) nights out, pantos, gatherings, family stuff - it's smothering me a little at the moment!

Actually, this developed into a whinge of woe and no one needs to read that on a Wednesday morning. )

I need to discover a secret talent pronto, so I can whisk myself away from all this nonsense!
lolabobs: (Default)
Things of the Good:

I have pulled chicken for the next week and a half my tea. It's teh first time I've made it and it's soooooo good I'm excited for dinner time.

[community profile] naarmamo is underway and I'm keeping up.

I have orange and grapefruit lollies freezing in the. erm, well the freezer obviously.

Things of the bad:

Work is generally shitty at the moment and is going to get worse. They're closing down our office and moving us to another and are going to change all our procedures (which are generally more efficient and productive - eg we allocate reports by all report writers provide 'slots', Court staff look at the diary, match report to a writer and issue teh offender with all appointmnet details and do all teh admin tasks needed, new office sends the reports that are wanted to an admin who does a few bits of admin, it goes in an in tray for teh next person who does some more admin, a third person does a bit more - (this takes a minimum of a week) then the report goes to a fourth person who has to choose who will do a report and go round and ask them if they can do it. The report writer then has to try and contact the offender to arrange an apt and then send them a letter with the details.) This is by no means an isolated example.

Creepy freaky offender is still on the loose

I had a hair cut yesterday and I now have a thing on my head that looks like it belongs on a frumpy middle aged woman and a sulky teenaged boy.

Things of the ugly:

Mum had an MRI scan several weeks back. They seemed to forget about her but after a deal of harassment on our behalf, she received a letter yesterday stating that "Although there is no evidence of secondary disease from her breast cancer there are changes to her ovaries that need further investigation." Sh eis now awaiting an apt for an ultrasound. Needless to say I am worried shitless for her (and have a selfish voice wondering on the hereditary concerns for me if my mother has both breast and ovary worries). She is my primary concern though, so any good vibes you can spare for her would be great and most welcome.
lolabobs: (yaaarp)
I dreamt I broke my neck last night - or rather someone maliciously caused my neck to be broken, sabotage on some activity or something (and at times it became a bit mixed in with having been poisoned). Either way I was walking around in a haze of anticipation - the neck thing - I knew that as soon as the 'swelling went down' I would die. Alternately it was a case of knowing that shortly the poison would kick in and I would die. Either way I was awaiting my imminent death and feeling alternately angry or kinda disappointed. I didn't want to die and was annoyed or sad that someone had caused this to happen to me - It wasn't woeful though.

I've been dreaming about death and dying quite a lot recently, either that or high angst and stress situations. But I wouldn't describe them as nightmares. Clearly a symptom of how stressy and anxious I've been of late. But it's not all bad - Captain Jack was in this dream and cuddled me into his Great Coat. :)
lolabobs: (broken)
I took a day off today - head still in meltdown mode, so thought I'd take a day to breathe... and what have I done with that day?

Slept.

Well. Awake at 7am after another sleep disturbed night - I pottered a little, then had breakfast. I next woke at 12 noon! After that..well I had lunch (Having worked up a huge appetite!) I pootled on teh interweb awhile, then sat down to read my book (Am now on OoTP - I think I overestimated how long it would take me to read through the Potters in prep for the new one!) - after reading awhile.. I woke up at 8pm. WTF!

Since then I rewatched the last Dr.Who - Still enjoying the phone scene. Then watched the last hour of Hot Fuzz.. now I'm going to bed.

Hmmm.

zzzzz
lolabobs: (wibble)
Have spent much of today asleep -Am cutting this, 'cos I seem to have gone on a bit about health and general anxieties and stuff too dull to inflict without a cut - enter ye at your peril )

I've been burning discs, just need to work out how to send them, I don't have any cases, I guess they'll be okay lose in a padded envelope or something. I will see what I can find. :)

Ooh - should have checked my oil and water I suppose - by which I mean I should have looked pitifully at my father and asked him to 'show me how to do it' again... I'm a pathetic excuse for womanhood. But I like my Dad looking after me.

Ah well, I shall go an take my anxieties to bed. :)
lolabobs: (jason danger)
Flurble.

My computer is flashing virus alerts at me, yet I can't update my virus protection (which has another fortnight to run), and all that keeps happening is error messages and the like.

I can't be doing with it. And cannot relax with it flashing at me.

I have been stern at work today, fierce and abrupt. Purposefully. Hope the wierdo gets the message and leaves me alone!

My Mum has phlebitis.

Cee: Hope you are okay. Hope it was bearable and positive and swell. x x x
lolabobs: (cry steve)
omg work.
I've been signed off since the 8th.
I lay awake most of last night fretting - and have been awake since 5.30 worrying in case my alarm didn't go off!

Feel sick

So tense, anxious and ug.

Don't wanna go! Waaah!

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