working on it

I live in a seaside town, and the seagulls have their babies on the local rooftops every year. A few years ago there was a baby wandering round the road after it fell from the nest and, for a brief period of time, the street was adorned with small bowls of food and water outside every other door - which warmed the heart. Until someone shot it.

Today, there was a dead seagull atop my car. It showed no signs of injury, no wounds, but was (apparently, I made Mother go look when she visited) just dead on the car, with food in its mouth. I don't know what kills seagulls, if it could be natural causes, or if someone has poisoned it. The roof above has a dead chick on it. Not sure whether poison killed both, or whether the parent gull died and the chick died as a result. Further distressing me, is the fact that I can't be sure if there is another chick on the roof, (it's too dark to see, I spotted something that might be just as dusk was settling, there was nothing noticeable all day.) And if it is, I don't know if it's now abandoned or if the other parent seagull is tending it. Do they care in pairs? There are so many seagulls in the street, it's impossible to tell if any sounds are coming from a chick on that roof, or one of the others. It's unsettling me.

I'm also unsettled as I don't know whether I should go to work tomorrow. Realistically, I don't think I should. I would have to leave for a 90 minute drive for a morning's training, leaving at 7.30am, before moving on to a prison visit (more driving) in the afternoon. I'm still exhausted, have had two naps today and feel bleurgh. So, logically, I know I shouldn't even be thinking about it. BUT I no longer feel like death, so feel guilty at being absent on sick. Plus I will have to phone in sick tomorrow and still struggle under the thought if you call in sick you should *sound* sick.

It's stupid. I won't have the energy to do a day's travelling. I am still worn out, I have some residual pain and I am wan. it is very unlikely that I shall go in, but I shall not sleep fretting about it, and I shall feel sick until I call, and guilty after I do. You can see why I have never ever 'pulled a sickie' in my life, can't you.

I just feel bleurgh in general today.

Oh, but to end on a positive note, I watched Raymond Blanc tonight and he is soooo slashy. He has a chef mini me assistant. (Sous chef? I don't know his rank) called Adam (Although Raymond pronounces it all French and sweet and A-dam) and they have a fun relationship. But today Raymond was chasing him with a spritzy water bottle. And then, as if this little bromance with Adam isn't enough, he went to an Australian butcher and whilst they were carving up some beef, the butcher was saying how the clavicle was "just the right shape to spank a french chef" and how he would like Raymond there "all the time to hold my meat." Later they were drinking beer together, with Raymond asking "Why is yours bigger than mine".

So there's that.

I'm in a mega grump tonight. I'm sitting here and frowning at the lap top and...

Things that could be making me grumpy - I had a meal out with my friend from work tonight. It was nice, on the whole we had a nice chat and a nice meal but (there's always a but isn't there) he's the one who's in a shiny new relationship. They're now at the talking coyly about marriage stage, they just bought a car together and he's really really happy. And I love that. I do I do I do. Just. Dear God, stop telling me how unhappy I must be. Don't feel sorry for me and don't tell offer me condolences on my single status. STOP IT.

Work is awful too. I got a report dumped on me, and having to write it means my planned day off tomorrow is cancelled. Also; I was on office duty today. This is supposed to be done in pairs but my partner took the day off without getting cover, so I had to do everything myself. This meant that I had to do an induction with a new offender. Who it turns out lives approximately 5 doors away from me in my street. Seriously unhappy about this, it means that an offender now knows where I live and can pass that info on should he so wish. Seriously not happy.

I'm tired and I feel weepy and yuk.

And all of that is making me grumpy, but I also know it's because I am thinking of booking to see Our Boys in Londahn tahn. And I want to go and I don't want to go and I will now feel bad if I do or don't go. Whichever outcome will lead me to stress and either annoyance at not going or stress at going and just pah. It will probably be a passing fancy. I don't know.

Ooh I'm a grumpy sausage.

Floating around the internet, trying to distract myself from, well, everything really, I clicked on careers advice. Looking for some sort of magic wand or fairy Godmother to say "tada!!! Here's a job you could do that earns the same and yet you won't have to spend your days in confrontation and in contact with offenders and bosses who can make you feel shit in 5 minutes flat. (Bosses for example who have to be reminded that no, I didn't hide in GY for three months after our merger, I was off on sick leave after losing my father)" (I admit that would be quite a long TaDa sort of Fairy Godmother statement, but it's my fantasy so there.)

Anyway. I click on the Govt careers site and follow their 'click our easy questions to check your skill set' option. And I'm stymied right away. First question is about qualifications. Apparently though, they score this in levels now - and I don't mean A or O levels, levels one to eight - but it's okay, I can click onto another guide. (After all why would they make this an easy process?) - still, I think, it's only another click, I'll identify my level and go back to the flow chart. But nope, no O levels there either, lots of BTEC and so VQs, but seemingly the world of qualifications (in Govt career land anyway) doesn't converse in Degrees, Masters or A levels anymore.

I gave up. Perhaps had I persevered I would have found my way to a high class, well paid, low stress job that only the determined and inventive and adaptive deserve. As it is I shall spend my day being put down by an arsehole boss who thinks it useful to tell me I'm odd and put him on edge and by offenders whose aim is to dominate and humiliate me.

And if I'm really lucky I can spend my nights dreaming about it too.

This seems such a pettywhinge but it feels huge and so I'm going to moan about it anyway.

Work. Whenever isn't it.

( I cut this 'cos it's a lot of whiniging about a seating plan which is incredibly minor in teh grand scheme of things but is looming large in my stressed little world, but which no one deserves to have to read and is as much about venting and trying not to cry at work as it anything else. )

Mother has taken to responding to any of my moans with "Oh well, you'll just have to cope we come up on the lottery." As a coping strategy this leaves a lotto be desired!


I started watching onnotheydidn't because someone linked to a post I found interestng, I came back fonight to what felt like 3000 entries on my flist, I couldn't make it stop being there so I unjoined. Hindsight made me realise this is exactly what I did about a year ago when I couldn't cope then either!

That last point was obviously completely unrelated to my previous. I think I should go to bed.

Well, most people I would imagine, but at least I've been educated a little this week!

~~~

What else has happened this week?

I won the hypocrisy award at work - talking to offenders variously about a) not staying in a job that makes you miserable if you could do things to change it b) expressing the way you feel c) not burying your head in the sand about financial issues or problems and d) inappropriate coping strategies.

But what the hey, I haven't sexually abused anyone, so I still win.

~~~

Why is it winter in June in Lowestoft?

So, My cat has a poorly tail, so we had a fight over trying to sort it and now I have a poorly arm and booby. Hopefully neither of my apendages will go mouldy and infected!

My 6 month temporary direction has been extended until October. I'm still having mixed feelings about doing the job forever, but October is doable and obviously whilst they direct me I still get transport paid for. The best bit for me though is the letter which makes a point of saying "Temporary" direction. STandard direction means that once a certain period is up they can stop paying my transport but still make me go. Temporary means they can't make me stay there. I don't think I want to stay there forever.

I've kind of signed up for Sky internet etc etc , but now I'm having second thoughts because there's a download limit that the guy didn't make fully clear beforehand. He has assured me that it will be enough for my internet habits, but I'm not sure that I trust him. Is there a way of telling what your download is? How many bytes is a "G"? If my internet counter thingie says I've received 38,910,080 bytes does that mean I've downloaded that much? How many g is that? I know I'm stupid.

I'm beginning to get overwhelmed by the thought of Christmas - the present thing, I have *no* spare money and have no idea where presents are going to come from. But I'm also getting stressed by the social demands - my diary is filling up already, christmas meals, (I have to do everything twice now, two teams = two of everything!) nights out, pantos, gatherings, family stuff - it's smothering me a little at the moment!

( Actually, this developed into a whinge of woe and no one needs to read that on a Wednesday morning. )

I need to discover a secret talent pronto, so I can whisk myself away from all this nonsense!

I dreamt I broke my neck last night - or rather someone maliciously caused my neck to be broken, sabotage on some activity or something (and at times it became a bit mixed in with having been poisoned). Either way I was walking around in a haze of anticipation - the neck thing - I knew that as soon as the 'swelling went down' I would die. Alternately it was a case of knowing that shortly the poison would kick in and I would die. Either way I was awaiting my imminent death and feeling alternately angry or kinda disappointed. I didn't want to die and was annoyed or sad that someone had caused this to happen to me - It wasn't woeful though.

I've been dreaming about death and dying quite a lot recently, either that or high angst and stress situations. But I wouldn't describe them as nightmares. Clearly a symptom of how stressy and anxious I've been of late. But it's not all bad - Captain Jack was in this dream and cuddled me into his Great Coat. :)

Have spent much of today asleep -( Am cutting this, 'cos I seem to have gone on a bit about health and general anxieties and stuff too dull to inflict without a cut - enter ye at your peril )

I've been burning discs, just need to work out how to send them, I don't have any cases, I guess they'll be okay lose in a padded envelope or something. I will see what I can find. :)

Ooh - should have checked my oil and water I suppose - by which I mean I should have looked pitifully at my father and asked him to 'show me how to do it' again... I'm a pathetic excuse for womanhood. But I like my Dad looking after me.

Ah well, I shall go an take my anxieties to bed. :)

omg work.
I've been signed off since the 8th.
I lay awake most of last night fretting - and have been awake since 5.30 worrying in case my alarm didn't go off!

Feel sick

So tense, anxious and ug.

Don't wanna go! Waaah!